Evening all,
I think that is it fair to say that life is hard at the moment. When someone you love dies it’s like you’ve been left with a huge crack down the centre of your body and being. I know that it will be different for everyone but for me my father was responsible for creating the world I lived in all my life, I have never known a life without him. He wasn’t the sort of dad who you loved but didn’t really respect much – I never outgrew him as a person, he was always so much bigger than me, so much wiser than me. Knowledge that stretched out for miles (even if it did take him years to realize that Heinz tomato soup and jeans were both good things).
I haven’t adjusted at all – I haven’t even begun to process it yet, in fact the idea that I will never see him again seems totally alien and a little bit laughable. I think that when they die you are left with this crack, this wound as proof that life can deal you this card and then just bugger off. You feel fragile and so vulnerable to everything, things can infect you and stop you from healing – like fear. I am afraid a lot. I am afraid of depending too much on my mum; what if she dies and then my crack widens and I just break apart completely. I am afraid of my other people’s anger. I am afraid of being left behind by my friends who are all carrying on with their lives. I am afraid of getting cancer myself. Most of all I am afraid of myself, of what feels like my minds masochistic tendencies – my Wifi broke today and I had a private freak-out because I knew that meant that when I got into bed tonight and had to stop running around doing things or talking to people it would just be me and my brain. No ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ (an American programme following good looking surgeons and their love lives) to bully it into submission before sleep. I knew that my mind would wake up and say, oh good now I’ve got you in the dark let’s just have a quick run through of every single thing you did to ever hurt your dads feelings, every time you might have avoided him and every time you could have done better for him. I am guessing I am not the only one who is victim to this.
So we have fear and guilt on our list so far.
How about anger. Let's add that. And not the great cosmic shaking your fist at the heavens anger that makes you curse God or any faulty karmic system that meant your loved one had to die. I mean day to day anger – the sort of anger that you have to swallow because it is directed right at those you love. Especially those people that have been distracted and wandered off slightly so they aren’t close enough to catch you incase you fall.
And of course don’t forget the sheer weight of sadness that will drape itself across your back. The sort of sadness that makes you picture Christmas and yell and cry until your abdomen and lips have actually got pins and needles or have gone numb. The sort of sadness that makes you curl up into a ball on the floor of the bathroom for two hours whilst everyone else thinks you’re having a nice bubble bath. Sadness that makes you tired, all the time.
What I am trying to say is that you feel vulnerable and hurt, and you have been whacked about by life so I think that we are entirely entitled to occasionally feeling completely bloody noble. Let yourself - you are fighting a real life battle and you are still here. This is when the sad music comes on in films, this is when you think how would you possibly cope if what happened to that poor hero happened to you. You are that hero, let yourself feel strong and brave sometimes. It’s actually a more gratifying feeling than forcing yourself to be thankful for what you still have – and for me, it’s easier at this stage to just be a little self congratulatory every so often. We are brave and we are noble and when you can muster up the energy don't feel bad about telling yourself that, whether you're in the car or on the loo.
In my opinion - if tomorrow I manage to get out of bed and eat some food, get some exercise and have at least one positive thought about the future I will be totally kicking ass.
And I bet you are too.
Smallhands X
