It's been over 18 months since Markus went. 18 long, confusing, atrocious months. And yet they haven't been so bad all the time, they went in phases. What surprised me was my dependence on other people - and I didn't need the one-time 'let's do something together' kind of contact, but a kind of reliability, someone who was there more often. That wasn't easy. People do think you are coping,…
I don't come on the site much now - I only visited today to see how Indie was getting on. Somehow ion my new role as 'widow' it doesn't seem to be a suitable place - I don't feel able to give people comfort or support or hope. As I have had pretty violent fits of depression I got some counselling prescribed, as well as anti-depressants, and the diagnosis given by the psychologist (in German) translates as 'having problems…
There's the first phase, where you know he's gone with your intellect, but not with your emotions. I ran round and cleared out all the stuff that had bugged me for years, or the later stuff that reminded me of illness. I felt a freak, not really able to feel sad.
Then came the buying phase, when I bought enough stuff to set up my own market stall. Each purchase gave me a moment of relief, of pleasure - but when…
My reputation is ruined for ever! I managed to get a really bad bug causing high temperature and the trots, and shivered my way into bed one night. I was so frozen I looked for a hot water bottle, but hadn't got one, so I found an empty gin bottle and fiiled it with hot water. It helped, warmed up my toes, and in the morning I put the cold bottle by the side of the bed. In the evening the doctor came, and seeing a bottle…
The end of 2009 is coming slowly but surely. This is where I should write optimistic, upbeat comments about a new year, a new life, moving on. But I don't feel either optimistic or upbeat. I know I'm not all that old, but it doesn't seem as if there's so much to look forward to. Life stretches in front of me, and I don't really know what to do with it.
No, I'm not 'over' Markus's death by any means…
