So mum passed away in November after battling away - it was all very sudden and she did not suffer. In a strange way I felt a sense of relief knowing she was not going to have to go through months and months of deteriorating, getting worse and us having to get options for her care sorted so that she would be happy.
The funeral was a humanitarian service and was conducted by the same minister who did my dad's funeral the year before. Everyone was so kind and so fond of my mum - it has made me realise quite the impact she and my dad on the community around them.
I have been feeling pretty up and down since everything has happened and have not really felt ready to write anything about it until now - just because I can't really sort my feelings out. I still kind of can't. It feels odd to think she is not longer here. She no longer exists. She's not on the planet - that's what males me the most sad. That people are not benefiting from this amazing woman who added so much to so many people's lives.I miss chatting to her, Telling her what has been going on with me. I miss her worrying about me and me worrying about her. I miss so many things about her. I don't know if that will ever go away.
I feel for my sisters - both of them for different reasons.Bec was so close to mum and spent so much time with her during the last years of her life - she took her to every appointment, was always there when things went wrong, knew her meds better than my mum did. She's pregnant and due in March - I wish mum had been around to meet her new grand daughter. I think they may name her after my mum which would be amazing. I feel for my other sister too - living on the other side of the world she did not have the same kind of relationship with my mum and this was evidenced when she came back for the funeral. I think she found it hard, and we fought a few times. I regret it now as she has left with some bad feeling with me and I hate that I let that happen.
My mum's sister - my aunty - was with her when she died. She's still cut up on a whole other level about what has happened and I worry she'll never truly get over it. I've not heard from her a great deal and worry she is mad at me for not making mroe time to go home and be with mum before she died. She told me once that she'd spoken to the doctors who had told her mum could go at any second with the type of cancer she had, but I dismissed this as the doctors had told me she would deteriorate over a few months. How wrong was I.
I worry about my other sister shan who was my mum's best friend and who I a now proud to call my sister - I fee relieved for her as her life had been on hold because of mum and now she is moving on with things. But my mum was truly lile a mum to her too and she's lost her dad and does not speak to her actual mum. I hope she is ok. I think she is.
I feel odd that I have not talked about any of the above with anyone - not even with my boyfriend, friends or family. I feel like I do want someone to talk to sometimes. I never know who I should turn to. A professional maybe? I don't even know where to start with that. I have considered support groups too but find the process of finding one overwhelming.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this post today - I think I am just feeling a little blue.
Anyone with any advice, please let me know.
