A brief background. I am 37 and live with my husband and two sons aged 4 and half and eight, My parents have lived for many years in the middle east due to dads work. my sister also with two boys lives in New Zealand, despite this we are still a close family and are in regular contact, the wonders of Skype. Two years ago mum unbeknown to me had been having recurrent bouts of cyctitis, she had been to see a specialist in Dubai and after various tests and scans etc, was diagnosed with a small bladder tumor, Mum has never been ill, not so much as a headache, only been in hospital to have me, fit as a fiddle. Now she had to tell us. I work in a private hospital and Dad had asked if I could arrange for mum to see a urologist on her upcoming visit, to the uk to discuss bladder instillations. I arranged the consultation and Mum came with all her scans. After seeing the scans the Doc her said it looked worse than previously thought and would like to do a cystoscopy and MRI to get a better picture. Mum has always battled with her figure although never a great deal overweight she has hated her bulging stomach for years. In theatre during the cystoscopy 4liters of retained urine were drained from her hugely distented bladder, and the bulging stomach dissapeared, quick shop for size twelve jeans yipee!! (we thought). As is routine before the MRI he took a chest xray, we were called back to the hospital on Mums 64th birthday and were told that it was an inoperable tumour in the bladder and there were nodules on her lungs and liver with traces of the disease in her spine, not the best birthday on record. So the chemo began she was lucky and did not suffer with it like many, she did not lose her hair and carried on a fairly normal life, even travelling back and forth to be with Dad still working abroad. So as not to bore you with every detail, chemo stopped working tried something different, allergic reation tried something else, permenant catheter issues with that, blood transfusions etc etc, latest bout of chemo, she had the hair loss, but on the upside had always hated her hair, so got to get a fab wig that she loves, again life continues in a relativley normal way no pain (or so she says, not a sharer my Mum) she has lost a lot of weight but did not yet look ill!!! So 5 weeks ago she had a routine scan and her chemo and hopped on a plane for three weeks with dad before her next treatment. Upon her return, quite a dramatic difference in her, her speech is effected talking as though her tongue is swollen, looking very tired and lethargic. Treatment can not go ahead as anaemic, the consultant says he belives this chemo has also stopped being effective, so wants an appointment on 08.08.13 and would it be possible to have your husband fly in from dubai for it!!! So the day before the blood transfusion, Mum will not get out of bed (never in 37 years has she not got out of bed) I call the doctor out to her, he prescribes antibiotics for a urine infection and some stronger painkillers for the back and head pain. Dad gets the next flight, arrives as she is being hooked up to the blood. Not much improvement from that and she spends the next couple of weeks doing very little, this frustrates the hell out of her, she will normally have three batches of fairy cakes baked before 8am. She is admitted for a further blood transfusion and fluid IV for severe dehydration, and comes home a little better, brighter in herself, more chatty and a bit of colour in her cheeks. So yesterday 08.08.13 the day we have all been dreading, what we have all been thinking has been said by someone qualified to know what he is talking about. They will not be continuing with any treatment, they will provide the best care they can to make Mums last days as comfortable as can be. And although they can not give time scales an approximation of 2-5 months. Ive spent the last two years telling all the thoughtful people that ask me Hows Mum? "oh shes great you would never know she was poorly", to having to say, "not great, they are stopping all treatment" am I expected to do this without breaking down, cause so far ive not succeeded. Now I have all these awful thoughts going round in my head, how do I prepare the kids to lose their Granny, how do I deal with losing my Mum, and yes she still will not discuss it, it is to be played down, we are not to tell everyone, she would like to carry on as normal, and spent the morning making rock cakes, that totally floored her. I am stumped and find it difficult to hold a conversation in work without tearing up. Just dont know how | am going to get through this, I just keep telling myself that I will because hundreds upon thousands of other people do EVERY day.
