After over seven years of having cancer in mine and my husband's life, I finally feel it's time to de-stress a little and see whether writing is therapeutic way of managing all the thoughts in my head (so sorry for all the babble!)
Way back in 2007 when months and months of misdiagnosis happened and FINALLY the diagnosis of my husband's brain tumour was made, we both started this journey together that in some way feels like a whirlwind that has gone quickly but in other ways feels like that cancer has now become us!
Cancer can become us, I don't mind as I'm not ashamed about it, I'm proud of us, it has brought us strength, courage and a zest for life I didn't think was possible, but cancer has also made us exhausted as a couple, pushed to the limits, all too much for us when we were only a young couple in their 20s trying to settle down and start life together.
Over the past seven years we've had times of extreme highs and extreme lows, experienced lots of love from family and friends but also lost so many good people. There never seems to be a middle ground with us!
I think I feel in a rather big lull at the moment, we went a good few years where everything was stable and we could be "normal" for a while, then relapse happened (a couple of years ago) which we (me, my husband and the medical care team) were always expecting due to his original prognosis.
Relapse is always a numbing shock, even if you're expecting it! The thoughts of "knowing what's going to happen next" and not having the naivety of being a "cancer newbie" makes things more difficult.
Since day one of "cancer times", it's been a lot of uncertainty of whether new methods of treating the cancer will work so we've been consumed with waiting for the next scan or the next appointment but now things have settled down, we are now in more of a routine and thankfully treatment is showing improvements, obviously the uncertainty will always there, treatment could and can stop working at any time but after seven years, I feel we can cope with uncertainty, that's our norm!
I am happy about the improvements of course I am but think all the past few years of conversations whizzing through my mind are all starting to come flying back as for once I'm able to stop, breathe and reflect on all the craziness, negative scans and consultations where they sat us down in one of those "Tea and sympathy rooms" to tell us there were no other options for us and basically it's time to go home to die. It's our determination and effort to push for a second opinion and go elsewhere that has kept my husband where he is today.
I'm tired of always having to justify how we are being realistic (with a positive spin!), whenever we mention the words "non-curative" we get bombarded with "Think positive!", sometimes I do have the urge to say "That's all we are being!!!!" I'm a strong believer in being realistic and knowing the possible outcomes and not be deluded into thinking everything will be rosy...sometimes it won't be, I understand that but that doesn't mean we aren't hopeful.
Sorry if this post sounds whiny, I'm not usually whiny!! Honestly! I know I am one of the very lucky people when it comes to brain tumours. I am fortunate that my husband has managed to live with his tumour this long compared to so many people on here. I am grateful that even though he has a fair few late effects he still manages to be "him" and that treatment/tumour hasn't affected his personality (touch wood!!!). I am thankful that cancer hasn't affected us as a couple.
I think it's all "emotionally draining" (sorry for the X-Factor style wording!). Just a constant battle from stressing at yourself for feeling whiny, then feeling bad because there's ALWAYS someone worse off than you, worrying about my husband, then by the time you get over that it's time for scan/scan results and the scanxiety kicks in!
Think for the first time I'm come off of auto-pilot and realised "Wow, seven years has flown by!" and what a manic seven years they have been!
