Well guys today was scan day and off I went to have the thorax, abdo and pelvis looked at to find out what is going on...am I worried...no not really because what will be will be and me worrying myself stupid will not change the results, so I shall put all my energy into fighting these tumours. So at the moment it is the tiredness that frustrates me more than anything, blimey I like to go around with my arse on fire and causing havoc and I know that in 2 weeks treatment will begin again and no I am not looking forward to it but hey there is no choice in the matter. Most of the time I cope but now and again, I like most shed a few tears and wonder if this fighting is all worth it and then out of no where this boots appears a kicks my butt so hard my teeth rattle!!!!! My bloods are back as good as they can be, that 3 hours for that last blood transfusion really made the difference, it made such a difference and that was done in the morning then off home and 2 days later, blimey I was feeling great. I had to have blood because my platelets were on the floor and I couldn't have chemo and I wanted to get the chemo out of the way so I could pick myself up and have a break after 13 months of non stop treatment. I am now on a low dose of steriods and am eatting very well, I haven't put any weight on but I haven't lost anymore either, it seems like a million years ago when a butchers pencil had more meat on it than I did, all skin and bone and I remember finding it amusing when my consultant told me to fry everything and eat fattening food such as gateaux and cream, I did what I was told, it worked but it took a long time, I now have a great shape according to my friends but they are jelous because I can eat anything I want now!!!!! The old me is still there inside and I am still the same person I was, I just struggle sometime to find myself and those going through the same thing know exactly what I mean by that, I know I haven't got that special some one anymore but I am still happy and content with my lot and I still fight everyday and will never stop and of course I have you guys who help to keep me going too, knowing that out there are people who feel the same way I do and understand and I know that on those bad days you guys are there and hopefully I am there for you also. I guess I am lucky because I am able to talk and write down how I really feel, not everyone can do that but oh does it help to keep me sane (some may dispute that fact about me being sane!!!!) Love and hugs to those who want them...The sane Kezzer Carol xxx
I am not dying of cancer, I am living with it
