just me..leigh's blog

well well well....

2010-04-27T19:43:15Z

The last update was just before my ct scan and thankfully it was all clear,but i have been told i will be checken ever 6 months and the other kidney has to come out sometime in the future,preferably before there are any problems with it,my kidney transplant is ticking over nicely the only downside for me was that i was the heaviest ive been on 7 years so im trying to get my ass in gear and get fit and loose a little weight. Kids are good,Daniel still working away in the pizza kitchen and loves it,back with his g/f and there happy,Katie is doing well studying for her exams and Logan is happy on his bike and drawing away in the evenings,Billy and i have been goign on short cycles most days and trying to socialise at the weekend,which ended up with a small mishap for me outside a club when i was sick down myself,i must think im a teenager again! The panic attacks are still present and ive had my citalopram increased as i had a real whopper of an attack in asda where i couldnt breath and nearly passed out in an isle-my mother asked if anyone came to help me and when i said no (i was with billy) she said maybe they were scared and thought you were giving birth-charming.

My sad blip is my dad has decided he wants nothing more to do with me-i have never been the daughter he wanted-i dont have a high flying career but ive got three lovely kids and have overcome loads of health risks to be here. He turned up for breakfast a month ago on sunday after being in Barbados,we were all playing with the dogs in the garden and Billy hit me in the ankle very hard with tennis ball just as my dad was getting out the car (which i didnt see pulling up) and i turned round to Billy and called him a stupid fuck (which wasnt very lady like of me) but anyway he hasnt spoken to me since that day,i sent him a text asking why he wasnt talking to me,and he said back a text saying -He was disgusted by the way i acted in front of my kids and that im no role model and he doesnt want any more to do with me. I am very hurt and upset but am not going to do anything about it,as if he is that shallow he isnt worth bothering about.My mum is disgusted as is my brother and sister,and i have cried most of the night but im strong and ill get over this.He was never much of a father anyway,he may have a great job and his own buisness but he hit my mum over the years,he drink drives and is a womaniser and left my mum when my sister was a baby,he is a control freak and im jumping off his rollercoaster of affections for my own mental health-but god i cant believe this has happened! I havent brodcast this as im so upset but i feel better getting it out on here-thanks for reading and listening to me,

Leigh xx

Something or nothing??

2010-02-05T09:12:54Z

Ive had a pretty busy couple of weeks and appart from a niggle in my back under my ribs on the right side, and feeling tired all the time ive considered myself to be pretty well.I decided not to ask my gp about my back and wait till i saw the big boss at transplant clinic on Wed,was that a mistake or not? Before i knew it i was whipped along to x ray to look for any fractures,extra bloods were taken and a ct scan ordered,she then went on to tell me the possibilitys of me having secondry bone cancer was quite high especially as i was still on immunosuppresion,and i have a bit renal bone weakness too,my bloods were good but they always have been so i wasnt overly worried about my kidney failing,i was asked to have a smear which was done yesterday and wasnt at all as bad as you imagine it to be,mind you the nurse made me laugh when she said that if men had to have smears they would develop a test that you could just pee on a stick-how true! This morning i feel drained and worried and my wee one is playing up asking for a pj day with me which ive given into as its half day here,I dont think billy is overly impressed but to be honest i dont have the energy to fight with an 11 year old today.Well thats the bad stuff out the way on to the good stuff-

i was finally awarded some DLA and it was backdated,woo hoo,so i was able to treat a few folk to nice things,i got my mum a new mobile,billy wanted a tattoo and a model car and some clothes,the kids got some new clothes and i bought myself a wii-the best thing ive ever bought,i love it and although i know deep down im not working out hard i have a go on the wii fit every day with the kids and its great being able to spend some time with them having fun! If you dont have one get one!!! I have given up my cleaning job whuch was far too much for me anyway but i felt i had to do it for the extra cash and ive got a free bus pass which means billy and i have been out a few times for a wander in town which i wouldnt usually have done,im getitng cbt for the panic attacks,which is helping slightly (although i had a biggy last night) and i bought a pair of walking trainers for the nicer weather to try and get out and about more,still havent been out alone yet but hey companys good!

Hope your all well,i do read your blogs and i am absolutly delighted for Angela and her good news and may many more of us beat this disease

Leigh xx

Its been a while eh....

2010-01-09T09:22:41Z

Well through a mixture of things,including not being able to access the site,my house getting upgraded and me working and sleeping loads ive not had time for an update so here goes.....I am no longer working in the launderette as of Monday,i was finding it far too hard on myself and my family,the days i was working i couldnt cook dinner i was soooo tired and i wasnt looking after myself properly,i know the extra money came in handy as billy is still not working but whats the point if it was killing me. My house is all lovely now with new bathroon,heating,kitchen ect and i felt like it was a huge xmas pressie to me,just the decorating to do now but with us being home all day we should manage slowely but surely. Daniel (18 year old son) now has a job in a pizza place in the kitchen and seems to love it,strange i know but as long as he is working,Katie and Logan are both good and dont seem to mind that i wont be working any more. I have my first appointment on Tuesday for CBT for my panic attacks which although they are less frequent they feel 100 times worse when i do have them now,amnt i strange! Still havent heard anything from DLA but my doctor and my mum both wrote to them suppporting me,so fingers crossed. I have a kidney check up in Feb so hoping thats ok and meant to have a cancer check up about then too but no appointment as yet.I have a pain that continues on my right side (above scars) that travells through from the back to the front and sometimes stops me in my tracks its so bad so i would like that checked out when i next see someone as the threat of more cancer is never far away.

We had a lovely Christmas and i was even cook for the family which was nice and my mum made a speach about how proud she was of me and how after my depression spell she didnt think in a million years id be capable of that,New Year was quiet but i wanted it that way to keep an eye on my rather lively 14 year old but thankfully all went well.Logan having a sleep over tonight with 2 friends as he is 11 on Monday so off to asda soon to stock up on pizza and chicken nuggets! What fun. Hope everyone else is ticking over nicely and ill report back soon

Leigh xx

Where has the time gone?

2009-12-01T03:59:04Z

Six years on the 3/3/09.Thats how long ive had my gift for,my life saver,my new kidney given to me from my brother,i have my yearly review and im hoping all is well! (im sure it will be!) Well,finally i feel my mood is far more stable and im getting more into a routine with my wee lauderette job which im loving,my friend who works there said she feels my whole demenor has changed for the better in the last week and im back to being bright and bubbly again!(On a funny note a wee old funny lady brings people gifts in there that she thinks they need,some have had vodka,biscuits,tissues ect,today i got TWO PAIRS OF EX LARGE TAN SUPPORT TIGHTS !! Thanks a bunch,i didnt open it utill she left and seriously thought it was a large bar of chocolate!! ha ha)

Ive had a letter from the social work dept and they are coming for a home visit on Thursday but im not all worried about it now,i realise that with everything i was going through the things i said were a natural reaction,im by no way proud of the things i said but it was an extreme situation and i hope she will see that,on the plus side its a girl i met years ago when i needed day care for my younger son and she knows me so i feel more comfortable with that. I have the GP tomorrow but am not seeing the one who reported me as she didnt have any appointments but thats maybe better for me, im only going to get a repeat for my anti d's which i finally think are working and a huge plus is that ive not had any panic attacks for a week....one whole week!!!!!

I have been really tired recently and havent been on here much but i have been trying to keep up with friends blogs and you are all in my thoughts often,i have noticed however since THAT situaton a few weeks ago ive been very wary of striking up new friend ships on here and have taken a backseat on the forums.

Hope your all well and looking forward to Christmas

Leigh xx

first proper wash day!!

2009-11-23T21:48:40Z

Well,i was up bright and early today,showered,dressed and pills done,only had one cuppa as ive seen the loos in the lauderette.....oh my god im so scare i need to pee when im there,imagine,dark dingy basement,bare stone walls,spiders webs,piles of uncollected washing wee hole at the back with a single light bulb and a toilet thats never seen domestos in its life,so the less i drink before i go there the better! I got opened up without setting off the alarms which was good,and soon got into the swing of things,i felt a bit of an idiot though as i am tryng to eat better and here i was with my houmus and corrot on burgen bread sarnie with a bottle of water and an apple and the others were having egg and bacon rolls and choccie biscuits,i am not going to start eating like that when im there or im never going to get rid of the bingo wings! Busy day and i was delighted when Billy came for me,i had earned enough from my tips to pay for my sisters birthday cake from the pastry shop so that made me feel good,went there,then home to bed with a cuppa,which i woke up to three hours later stone cold!! Must have needed a snozze hu! Katie was home in bed as she had managed to be sick in school and in the street outside the house,poor wee thing,every time she gets her period she is v sick,doc gave her tablets but they dont seem to be helping,so looks like were back again this week.

Mum,brother and sister were round for chinese tonight which was was nice,poor katie missed it as she couldnt get out of bed but still it was lovely.My first real day at work and Billy had a sick stepdaughter to deal with and he even managed to clean the house......who says men cant multi task! Off to bed now after flash forward and work tomorrow afternoon,so freezer food for tomorrow night!

Havent heard from the social work dept,they havent rushed in and taken my kids off me yet so thats a good thing,and ive asked my cleaning job if i could change days and they didnt mind at all so thats good.

Only one panic attack today first thing in the morning,think it might have been stess over my first proper day,but no more so im pleased with that although none would be nice!

See another storm has been on mac,i dont like the fact i have to add somene as a friend to send them a pm but thats the site rules so i have to obey them,i dont feel its a competition to see how many friends we each have but i do know i do tend to speak to similar sex and age patients as i feel i have more in common with them but i dont exclude anyone.

Brother,sister and mum were round tonight for

bloody GP

2009-11-21T21:06:39Z

Well,i decided the only way i was going to get better was to start telling the truth more often about how im really feeling,and try to find a way todeal with the panic attacks that are starting to rule my day to day life,mainly by fear. I had my gp's appointment on Thursday at 1.50 and for a change i went myself,she asked how i was feeling and i burst into tears telling her id had six panic attacks this week,that i was finding it near impoosible to be alone as i had silly thoughts running through my head of killing myself and she asked if id ever thought of harming the kids and i said yes,twice,once with Daniel when he came in drunk and stoned at 2.30 am and woke us all up,i felt like pushing him down the stairs and once with katie when she was driving me mad i wanted to smash her head in for being so akward and selfish,she said she wasnt happy i didnt seem to be making much progress on the new pills so she wanted to send me to the Mental health assesment team in edinburgh to see what they thought and she phoned home to get billy to come get me,she then told him she wanted me seen that night so we arranged to go up,she then told both of us that because of my thoughts she would have to phone social work dept on me,now i know she is only doing her job but i have never ever lifted my hands to my kids and if ive felt im at breaking point ive done the usual things,leave the room,make a coffee ect. Anyway,i went to the Royal Edinburgh and was seen quickly by 2 really nice nurses who said they wernt surprised by the way i was feeling,that ive got so much stress and strain in my life that the attacks were my bodys way of dealing with it,then she said my gp wanted me admitted to hospital but there was no way they would recomend that,they gave me a number for a centre that helps people in crisis in Edinburgh,and they also said they were going to organise some CBT for me and that they could put a team in place that visited me every day at home which i declined.We got home at 7 pm and i went straight to bed and slept till 7pm the next day,while i was in bed Logan wrote me a letter tellingme how much he loved me,hated me being ill and wanted me to be happy,i felt like shite reading it. I got a phone call on Friday from my renal social worker whom ive known for nearly 8 years,she said she would be honest and said that my local duty social worker had been in touch with her worried about he kids saftey,she said she had no concerns about them whatsoever and that it was a blip that they would help me through,she also told me that i might get a phone call or visit from them next week to check on me......great hu. Billy is totally pissed off at my gp for phoning the social work and for recomending that i be hospitalised but i feel she was just doing her job even though she over reacted slightly,ive got my stress course starting this week so that might help and ive to go see my renal social worker for some practical help and support and i know deep down im going to have to do something with my son,ive tried loads of things already maybe a short sharp shock will do him good.

My mum knows how i feel but i keep it all from my dad as he wouldnt cope with it,she popped in yesterday to see me and gave me money towards a haircut which i had done today and i love and i popped into the lauderette to see my boss and check i was still on for Monday,im glad ive got this wee job,some normality and something to take my mind of me!

I know my health affects my kids and i know my mental health could do as well so im going to do everything in my power to make myself better and at least give them the best home life i can do. Im back to the gp on Thursday and im not pissed off at her,she had to do her job but i am telling her i would hurt me before anyone else but im trying to give myself a shake,my friend says we are going to meet and walk our dogs till our legs hurt as exersice is good for the mind!

im the new Dot Cotton!

2009-11-19T09:09:55Z

Well i started my first shift in the lauderette on Tuesday and this is me just getting round to writing my blog as my arms have been so bloody sore after all the lifting,maybe a natural way to loose my bingo wings hey gals! It was hard hard work,made harder by the fact ive mostly sat on my fat ass since i was diagnosed in July but thats my own fault.The day went quickly,and it was so sweet as you had a few that just came in for a cuppa and a chat,maybe in the only person they chat to in the whole day so i was very nice to them and patient-made them tea and everything! I think once my body gets used to it im going to enjoy the company of others,on the downside i had to put a big fat smelly guys socks into a machine who must collect them for the month,i had to stand back from the machine and wash my hands twice afterwords! I made £27 in tips so was delighted,the kids got treated to a chippy on the way home,i had to there is no way i could have cooked as i was shattered and i had booked my body shop party that night. The party went well and the girl running it took £518 in sales which she was delighted with and it meant i got 25 quid worth of stuff free and £200 worth of stuff for £60 so thats a lot of my christmas shopping done which is a great help. The only (2)spanners in the works the last couple of days is that ive had 6 panic attacks in the last 3 days, two when my body shop party was on,but thankfully no one saw or heard anything. The other worry is that i clean for a couple on a Monday which if im working in the lauderette i cant do anymore and im scared to ask if i can change to a Thursday so i can do it all,they are on holiday just now so ill cross that bridge when i come to it.If they are not happy i will have to give up which i dont want to do.

I have another op in January to get the other kidney out which im not looking forward to at all and i know its got lesions on it and i have a greater chance of developing cancer or do i leave it and take the risk...desisions desisions.

My dads back from holiday now and he phoned yesterday asking if he could take me to Morrisons and pay for my shopping....hell yes,so the kids are wanting fajitas and angel delight for tea tonight(not together!),so there wish is my command!

Got the doctors again today to see about my mood,i do feel brighter and not so desperate but ive had more panic attacks than usual which is upsetting.

Anyway hope all is well with you lot,i see Kelc has had a healthy baby girl.well done,and Christine is away to get married-congratulations and enjoy your honeymoon xx

funny day today!

2009-11-16T19:34:45Z

Well after feeling so crappy over the weekend i woke up and decided to re read my DLA refusal letter properly again and when i did i saw a bit at the bottom that said at the moment i am eligable for dla but they feel my condition on 30/5/2010 will improve to the point that i will no longer need help and on that they have based there desicion,i had a month to appeal or i could phone to ask for someone else to reconsider and then if that failed i could appeal after that,so 2 cups of tea later i pluck up the courage to phone,im sure i was first on the line as it opened at 7.30 and i was on the phone before 8 am! I got a lovely woman who told me my desicion maker was a man and why didnt she send it back tobe looked at by fresh eyes,then if it still failed i had the right to appeal-did i write that already? Anyway,she asked if anything had changed since the claim was made and i said yes,ive had a crash in mood,im on new tablets during the day and at night,that i hadnt been out without Billy or my mum or my son and daughter since July,thats the panic attacks were worse,and i was now seeing a health psycologist,i couldnt walk all that far as i have a problem with my heel and im waiting on a steroid injection in it,and that i really felt after all in going through i should be considered again,even for the lowest rate,so off my claim goes again and we will see what happens now.

I have my wee cleaning job on a Mon and usually Billy takes me there and picks me up and the man of the house is in as he is retired,the next two weeks they are on holiday and i really didnt want to be alone at all,i scare myself with the silly things i think and as the house is on three floors its creepy,so Billy stayed with me and did half my work which was great,but he couldnt believe just how much work i do there,but im glad i took him,makes him relaise why i cant move after it. Got my wee shift tomorrow in the lauderette which im looking forward to as i will be working with a girl i know,she is giving me a trial as she thinks the work may be too heavy for me but i have to bring something in for the family.

I got a nice surprise today,i live in a housing ass house and have never moaned about things in the house and i got a letter last week saying they wanted access to the house for a property survey,i didnt think much about it as i got one last year and the windows,doors ect get looked at every couple years,anyway,the guy turned up while we were out but Daniel was in,he phoned to say,mum your getting a new kitchen,and you have to pick it now! We got home as quickly as possible,the guy was working his way round some houses in the street so Dan asked him to come back in,he did and its true im getting a new kitchen and maybe a combi boiler and he is sending someone out to look at my bathroom (which i dont think is too bad!) anyway,i got to pick out of three units and 6 worktops,so ive picked a cherry wood with a worktop called sand which funnily enough looks like sand! I asked when it was getting done thinking sometime next year but he told me in the next three weeks,so Christmas for the kids is sorted,there getting a new kitchen!!! Its just like for like,no extras or anything fancy but hey beggars cant be choosers!

Anyway,not cried today so thats good,my dads back tomorrow which will be nice and ive got my bodyshop party which i cant really be bothered with ,but hey ill get through it,my daughters looking forward to it so thats the main thing.

L x

my story

2009-11-15T13:57:33Z

thanks everyone for your replys it means so much to me to know that people care about me and have been going through similar financial situations to me.ill give you the shortened verision of my life and maybe youll understand why i feel so bad right now,11 my parents split,i spent many a night listening to my dad hit my mum,my brother and sister were too little to understand or hear what was going on,13 i was a persistant truant,shoplifter and and general wild child,14 i was in care and my parents wouldnt talk to me at first,15 i was pregnant after my first sexual encounter,16 homeless with a baby on the way my mum took me back in and built a small extension on the back of the house that i lived in with my new son,i then turned very promiscous sleeping with anyone who would have me,then i met and married a drunk,we had a child together but after he hit my son (who was 4 at the time) i left-it went to court but was dropped due to lack of evidence,then i stayed at my mums again for a bit with the two kids,got a council house in the area the kids were at nursery and started again,got a wee job in a department store where i was up to my old tricks of sleeping about again when my parents had the kids at the weekend,i met a security gaurd from the store then guess what fell pregnant again and kept the baby,we split up soon after her was born and i got my shit together,then at 27 my kidneys failed suddenly,on dialysis for just over a year then my brother gave me a kidney,and i moved into a new house with a garden which was great,had a reasonable couple of years, although i seffered depression on and off,then met a guy over the internet and he cruely dumped me after 4 months(he was playing about),i tried to commit suicide but failed and took ages to recover,over the years my relationship with my parents was strained at times as i felt guilty for falling ill after being a disgrace to them with kids to different dads then falling ill with renal failure,i felt i was never as good as my brother and sister which was hard.I was single for a while then met Billy whom id known for a while through my eldest son,he too was a single parent,he was rough and ready but was great with the kids,knew about my renal failure and was the kindest person you could ever meet,we eventually got together and i was sensible and waited over a year till we moved in together,it was hard as he had a son the same age as mine and a dog (tara) His son was a tearaway and my mum hated him as she works in the local school and knows what he was like,we had many problems with him and eventually he moved into a house with his girlfriend and baby last year,we now dont see much of them as he is back intouch with his real mum whom he didnt see since birth,Billy is hurt obviously but i am almost relieved as him and his girlfriend smoke drugs and live like pigs. Everything was starting to tick along nicely,i had a wee job two mornings a week,i went to college one night a week doing criminology and had been accepted for a full time course in English,maths,sociology,and modern studies starting in sep 09,billy was working for his friend and dan was in his 2nd year at joinery,my kidney was ticking over nicely then the shit hit the fan and hasnt moved since.Billy got paid off,two weeks later i was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma and daniel got paid off,i couldnt work as i felt so shit and billy didnt start looking for work as he was looking after me and the kids.Now he is stuck in a rut,and pretty unemeployable,he isnt a quilified mechanic,so big garages wont touch him,he has been looking for any kind of work but as he doesnt have much experience in anything else much its been very hard. I feel the kids and the house are my responsibility and not his, i dont know why i feel like this but i do,i feel guilty im not the kind of mum i want to be now because of my health and i feel its unfair that just as i got my shit together this happens.Ive been the one who has found some work easier as ive got a recent full disclosure scotland and have done office work for both my mum and dad and i have been cleaning for a family for over a year,ive now been offered a wee job in a laundrette which i think i will have to take. My mental health isnt great at the moment and i worry that ive got some personality disorder as i have horrible thoughts at times,like pushing my son down the stairs when he came home late and v drunk,i also have self harming thoughts a lot but ive only been on my new tablets a week and was on prozac for 7 years before that so its maybe the change and being off antidepressants altogether thats made me so flat. I worry about my health all the time,and feel im on borrowed time so whats the point in anything.i dont even know why ive written all this,maybe i just want to go back to the start,tell you my life story and let you know that maybe im getting what i deserve at the minute. I dont know if im going to appeal against DLA,i didnt even want to put a claim in in the first place but i was advised to,i dont know if i have the strength,ill phone maggies centre on Mon and see what they say. thanks for listening, x

its funny,when your diagnosed with cancer you want to fight to live,when your depressed you wish you could die.

still blue

2009-11-14T20:59:55Z

well ive had a glass of wine which i dont usually do but im home alone, well with billy his friend and 4 dogs (two ours) Ive had a shit week,i hit rock bottom and am ashamed to say that on Monday i thought about walking in front of a bus but i didnt so thats good,i had other horrible thoughts about my family but i am far too ashamed to write them down.By Thursday i couldnt stop crying so i got to the docotrs in the afternoon,i took billy along,partly as i wanted him to hear how badly i felt and partly for support,i was there 35 mins and she was so good and patient,she offered two things,one was to go on new anti depressants and see her weekly with the view that billy controlled my tablets,(shamefully i attempted an overdose 4 year ago) or she would have me assessed at the royal edinburgh (nutty house hossie!!) with a view to being admitted till i felt better,i opted for the first option as i dont want to upset the kids,and im scared ill get worse being in hospital.I dont think ive cried so much in my life infront of anyone else before. My dad texted from Miami asking how i was so instead of my usual ok thank,i told him money was tight and i was blue,i emailed him as i have no money to top up my phone and when i do the kids just use it,my mum told me i was a doormat and i just ket everyone walk over me which made me feel worse. I told him i live off well under a grand a month and he mailed back asking how much i wanted to relieve the pressure,i turned him down,i told him i have enough for bills,food but not much left for extras and as i had been ill and billy not working xmas was worrying me more than anything,he wrote back saying not to worry he will help me out nearer the time,which was great,i just feel we need a lucky break right now. My mum cheere dme up on friday by buying PINK! tickets for me and my sister for christmas,she got one for billy and herself but she wants me to pay for billys as she wouldnt spend that much on him!!

Anyway Sat-starts off good,kids going to mums for the night,sitting having a cuppa and the post arrives,im 45 quid in rent arrears,im 15 quid overdrawn at the bank and will get charges for that and ive been turned down outright for DLA even though the benefits advisor in Maggies centre talked me into putting in a claim when i wasnt sure, she filled out the form for me,but looks like i aint bad enough for any help...great,2 diazepam and a glass or two of wine has been the only way ive got through the day.Why do you get letters on a sat when you cant do anything about it?

My friend works in a launderette and has offered me two shifts a week and if i keep cleaning one day a week maybe things will improve for me.I know ill have to tell dss that i will be doing this but surely i have to be a bit better off.

back to the wine.

feeling blue

2009-11-08T19:12:50Z

Well,i went to bed the last two nights feeling shit because of the Danielle carry on and in a horrible way feel relieved that the problem has been taken out of my hands now as she has left the site.I woke this morning and cried,cried about everything really,how sad i felt over the Danielle fiasco,scared about my future health,felt really down as i had parents evening the other night and was told that Logan put my name down as a helper for the class trips but they picked someones grandad as he is more able than me.....made me feel shite. I am worried sick about Christmas and i know that the way money is in my house that my children will not be having the kind of christmas that they are used to and this uspets me with all they have been through this year,Billy is still out of work but is looking,Daniel is a lazy bum who has had one job interview in the six months he has been unemployed and doesnt seem to be looking for work anywhere,i know its hard as we look o the net every day and some jobs on Gumtree have been viewed up to 800 times so what hope do we have? I applied for a job doing data imput as its was local and part time and i feel at least one of us would be working but really mentally im in no state to work and ive got another op to face in the new year but god i have to do something.I have cried on and off most of the day and my mum came up and i got angry with her as she said im a doormat and the reason i have nothing is that i let the kids walk all over me and im too soft with everything,i also told her about the Danielle thing and she said i should stay away from the net and try get out more and meet people face to face.She also said i need to go back on some sort of anti depressant and quickly. I feel honestly that billy doesnt help me at times,when im down he just lets me be like that,he doesnt encourage me to do anything,lets me sit about all day in yesterdays pj's unwashed and eating shit,where i sometimes wish he would shout at me and tell me to have a shower and get my ass in gear,even make me go out for a walk with the dogs,but he doesnt and i spend loads of time just now sitting about the house feeling sorry for myself,what a depressing blog this is,but really what is the point??

well,ive not blogged for a while!

2009-11-06T11:41:18Z

Well ive not blogged for a while,nothing too exciting been happening inmy life whichin a way is a good thing. My kidney results are good and the other kidney will not be getting removed until after the year now which is great,ive chickened out of getting it done now as i couldnt cope with the after pain like before over christmas so im better waiting and as there is no sign of cancer in it judt lessions i feel i can afford to wait a little.My wild party life didnt last long as the couple of times i was out it took me far longer to recover than the night out itself so im a home chick again,the weathers turned really cold so i guess Billys happy with that! My dads on holiday in Miami,picked the right time of year to go me thinks! ive booked a body shop party in my house on the 17th nov and im using it as an excuse to see some of the friends i havent for a while and hopefully with my commision ill get some cheap Christmas pressies....devious or what!

Ive had two anxiety attacks this week which is about average for me,what i didnt like was one was when i was out looking at a workshop for Billys old boss who is thinking of opening another garage,i sat in the van till it passed but it upset me that it happened while we were out. The anxiety course starts soon so hopefully thst will help.

Ive been reading Debs daily menus for ages in awe so last night made homemade carrot and corriander soup which was yummy and im going to take a leaf out of her book and make something new and exciting (maybe even exotic) each week for a change...watch tis space! Any cheap,healthy ideas more than welcome!

Ive got my yearly transplant check in Dec which im not looking forward to as they check your poo,feels a bit like that bloody program with the mad woman who tells you about your diet through your poo! shit in a box,great can hardly wait!

I get the feeling a storms brewing over Danielle,and i am going to sit on the fence and say nothing at the moment,i do however think she has defo got some sort of illness going on,whether its terminal cancer or not remains to be seen.I hope we havent been duped as i know she has effected a lot of us fighting our own battles with this disease.

just me..leigh

2009-10-28T21:47:44Z

Well,i had transplant clinic today which went quite well,just have to wait on results to see how my new kidneys behaving,i had protein and blood in my urine and my weigh was up by 2 kilos which i felt bad about but they wernt too worried about,i thought after all the dancing i did on Sat night i would have lost at least a stone,but hey never mind! We spoke about the swine flu jab which i am nervous about but my consultant had hers that morning and felt ok,i know early days but if she had it so can i!! I was telling her that i had come off my prozac and felt ok and that i had been meant to start a new antidepressant but hadnt as im feeling so good just now,the only slight worry i have and havent voiced to anyone is that i feel slightly high,not overly,but just a little more talkative than usual,a little more energy than usual,a little more able to deal with things than usual and i know you will think im weird but i have been down for so long that this slight change worries me-i dont want to end up high as a kite,or is this just the effects of years of prozac wearing off and me finally getting my health back? Maybe im only happy when im worrying!

I had my big night out sat and it was good but god i payed for it sun/mon-my feet were killing me,i was dehydrated,grumpy and sore so this weekend i am defo taking it easy,im past clubbing!! We have been invited out to a fancy dress party but to be honest i dont mind staying in and watching the x factor-sad eh! Ive got a few smaller nights out coming up,my first ann summers party ever,a girly night out with good food,good wine,and a gossip and a body shop party tomorrow night so thats suits me.

Logan is going to a kids day at maggies centre on sat which is an info day for kids under 12 who are affected by cancer,they get a tour round the hospital,even behind the scenes,lunch and an art session with a therapist,then parents are invited in to see how the experts think your kids are coping with cancer.He is nervous about going but i think it will do him the world of good as he is still getting up during the night and sleeping on my floor and when my dad had him away he was crying for me a few times,i want him to feel secure and happy in his life and not have to worry thats his mummy is going anywhere.

Anyway,im off to catch up with my daughter who has graced us with her presence in the living room tonight! xx

Time off

2009-10-22T08:10:10Z

Well thats Logan away for his trip with his grandad,bet he will love it,far more exciting than anyting i had planned this week. We pottered about last night,visited one of Billys friends,caught up on phone calls with no wee one butting in all the time,and opened the box my dad gave me in his office to find a brand new printer,copier,scanner for the house,i couldnt believe it,i thought he was giving us an old one from the office as our old one was done and my daughter has her prelims coming up,her school is doing a pilot scheme in Edinburgh where they sit standard grades a year earlier than most and while Katie is coping very well with this im sure there will be very young 14 year olds who wont be.

Went to the beach last night in the dark with the dogs which was magic,so spooky but the dogs loved it as they had the whole beach to themselves,we came back freezing so the hot chocolate was opened,winter is coming!

Oh on a positive note yesterday was the first day since op that i didnt sleep for hours in the afternoon,mind you by 10pm i could hardly keep my eyes open,and i felt i slept better than i had in ages!

Today is defo housework day,we had rain here and with wooden floors and cats and dogs in and out all day you can imagine the mess,then walk with the dogs and maybe a wee sneaky look at shoe shops...well im trying to get a social life so a girl needs shoes!!!!

stuborn daughter !

2009-10-21T11:46:22Z

Well Logan is packed and ready to be dropped off at my dads office for his trip away to Lochgoilhead and Katie is still refusing to go,so she is off to her dads for a few days and im sticking to it,she is not a happy bunny but hey thats life! Ive been feeling ok since ive come of my anti depressants,in fact no different at all from when i was actually on them (maybe others will disagree!!!) im due to start the new ones this week but im not sure if i will till next week as im feeling ok. Ive not had any more panic attacks which is good but ive still not been out without Billy except to take the dogs round the block at night but ive decided to go out alone when Logans away and see how i get on,i fancy a trip round the charity shops to look for new books as i love to read,and hate paying full price for them.

My friends are going to a club at Ocean terminal Sat night and although its £15 each to get in the moeny we save from buying food this week will cover it,im just now sure if im too old,our local radio station holds them a couple times a year and ive always fancied it. Sat during the day ive been invited for coffee by the couple who i used to clean for which is nice,im absolutley skint and only saved £100 quid so far for Christmas so im thinking of going back to clean for them again some time in the future,i think it might help to get my independance back a little and help towards saving for Christmas,although i only earn £40 a week as they say in the adverts Every little helps!

Anyway,away to drop Logan off and buy new L plates for the car,i havent driven since i was diagnosed and was nearly ready for my test so time to try again.I passed my theory in April and you only get two years before you have to sit it again so still got a wee while to go yet!