thanks everyone for your replys it means so much to me to know that people care about me and have been going through similar financial situations to me.ill give you the shortened verision of my life and maybe youll understand why i feel so bad right now,11 my parents split,i spent many a night listening to my dad hit my mum,my brother and sister were too little to understand or hear what was going on,13 i was a persistant truant,shoplifter and and general wild child,14 i was in care and my parents wouldnt talk to me at first,15 i was pregnant after my first sexual encounter,16 homeless with a baby on the way my mum took me back in and built a small extension on the back of the house that i lived in with my new son,i then turned very promiscous sleeping with anyone who would have me,then i met and married a drunk,we had a child together but after he hit my son (who was 4 at the time) i left-it went to court but was dropped due to lack of evidence,then i stayed at my mums again for a bit with the two kids,got a council house in the area the kids were at nursery and started again,got a wee job in a department store where i was up to my old tricks of sleeping about again when my parents had the kids at the weekend,i met a security gaurd from the store then guess what fell pregnant again and kept the baby,we split up soon after her was born and i got my shit together,then at 27 my kidneys failed suddenly,on dialysis for just over a year then my brother gave me a kidney,and i moved into a new house with a garden which was great,had a reasonable couple of years, although i seffered depression on and off,then met a guy over the internet and he cruely dumped me after 4 months(he was playing about),i tried to commit suicide but failed and took ages to recover,over the years my relationship with my parents was strained at times as i felt guilty for falling ill after being a disgrace to them with kids to different dads then falling ill with renal failure,i felt i was never as good as my brother and sister which was hard.I was single for a while then met Billy whom id known for a while through my eldest son,he too was a single parent,he was rough and ready but was great with the kids,knew about my renal failure and was the kindest person you could ever meet,we eventually got together and i was sensible and waited over a year till we moved in together,it was hard as he had a son the same age as mine and a dog (tara) His son was a tearaway and my mum hated him as she works in the local school and knows what he was like,we had many problems with him and eventually he moved into a house with his girlfriend and baby last year,we now dont see much of them as he is back intouch with his real mum whom he didnt see since birth,Billy is hurt obviously but i am almost relieved as him and his girlfriend smoke drugs and live like pigs. Everything was starting to tick along nicely,i had a wee job two mornings a week,i went to college one night a week doing criminology and had been accepted for a full time course in English,maths,sociology,and modern studies starting in sep 09,billy was working for his friend and dan was in his 2nd year at joinery,my kidney was ticking over nicely then the shit hit the fan and hasnt moved since.Billy got paid off,two weeks later i was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma and daniel got paid off,i couldnt work as i felt so shit and billy didnt start looking for work as he was looking after me and the kids.Now he is stuck in a rut,and pretty unemeployable,he isnt a quilified mechanic,so big garages wont touch him,he has been looking for any kind of work but as he doesnt have much experience in anything else much its been very hard. I feel the kids and the house are my responsibility and not his, i dont know why i feel like this but i do,i feel guilty im not the kind of mum i want to be now because of my health and i feel its unfair that just as i got my shit together this happens.Ive been the one who has found some work easier as ive got a recent full disclosure scotland and have done office work for both my mum and dad and i have been cleaning for a family for over a year,ive now been offered a wee job in a laundrette which i think i will have to take. My mental health isnt great at the moment and i worry that ive got some personality disorder as i have horrible thoughts at times,like pushing my son down the stairs when he came home late and v drunk,i also have self harming thoughts a lot but ive only been on my new tablets a week and was on prozac for 7 years before that so its maybe the change and being off antidepressants altogether thats made me so flat. I worry about my health all the time,and feel im on borrowed time so whats the point in anything.i dont even know why ive written all this,maybe i just want to go back to the start,tell you my life story and let you know that maybe im getting what i deserve at the minute. I dont know if im going to appeal against DLA,i didnt even want to put a claim in in the first place but i was advised to,i dont know if i have the strength,ill phone maggies centre on Mon and see what they say. thanks for listening, x
its funny,when your diagnosed with cancer you want to fight to live,when your depressed you wish you could die.
