O how things change from week to week, am back on the blasted rollercoaster and i really wanted to control that one, in fact i thought i was............

Have been home just over a week after my mastectomy and reconstruction surgery, the first few days i felt great i imagine it was because i was back in my own surroundings and i was relieved the surgery was over.  I seemed to have veered between high low and very low all in the space of 10 days. Every morning i wake up determined to stay focused and positive in order to psych up for the next hurdle.

Its so difficult, I look in the mirror and see before me someone else (frankensteins sister is how i feel, will my man ever find me attractive again) I know it all looks revolting at the mo as i am so swollen and bruised  my flap as the docs refer to it is horrible, its ugly and unsightly in fact i have taken now not to look at it and instead keep covered up, even when i shower..........................

I sound so bludy ungrateful because these docs have saved my life and all i can do is moan about how i look, i know i need a reality check, but there are days i cry secretly, i have taken to wearing the baggiest clothes/pyjamas i can to disguise my horrible body.I dont imagine i will ever feel or look normal again, I am very sore and tender in certain areas and then other areas are completely numb.  its early days and all my visitors are amazed at how well i look or so they say, and yes i might do on the surface but inside I am the saddest gal in the world at this moment in time and they would never know.

My onncologist was so impressed with my recovery and healing he has decided to start the chemo in two weeks. Of course to the outside world I am deaing with it, and to my family im dealing with it, you all know different and what a relief to share it with you here because nobody else can ever understand...................... can they?

My best friend came over and even she made a dumb comment about how i was walking  :(  i laughed it off but it hurt im not wonder woman im not invincible im human.  I had three surgical procedures on 23rd June all in one go, can i have some slack.

Guys as ever thanks for reading, am sorry to rant but today more than ever it has me and try as i might i cannot shake this feeling.  I can feel my positivity shrinking and im frightened.  Please tell me it will be ok.

Love to you all

Jules xx

I am so mad as i write this.  My partner dropped off my hospital letter this morning to the GP surgery following my operation.  He also took a form for the GP to stamp so we can claim back the money for our cancelled holiday.

They wanted to charge him £25.00 just to bludy well stamp it and for the doctors signature what a flamin stinking cheek!  He told them what to do with it.  My surgeon has kindly provided a written letter with no charge attached, and was more than happy to do so!

How on earth can thety justify charging this kind of dosh. Aren't we already suffering enough, we are surviving on one small wage and SSP! Talk about  kicking you when you are down.

My opinion of GP's has depleted further! Anyone else a similar experience?

Thanks guys just needed to rant!!!

Love Jules

XX

Hello mates hope you are all doing well, I have missed you whilst at the medical mansion.

Well the op is over and i am thrilled to say it was a success as was my breast reconstruction. Still very sore, swollen and achey but Im home and on the road to recovery so i can commence the next part of my journey.

The care and attention i was given at Walsgrave Hospital was second to none and i cannot say enough about the whole experience. It almost seems as if this little part of the journey was absolutely express this time last week i was in HDU and now here I am sitting chatting to my Macland mates :)  Im happy.

My best friend Sue visited today and brought me the most lovley pressie, it was a lovley silver box of goodies filled with very practical things i will need over the next few weeks, some indulgent choccies, and some girly stuff. She is so generous and thoughtful I love her to bits.

For now I am basking in the care and attention at home, being waited on hand and foot and spoiled rotten.  I even got a new garden recliner to day from my man so i can watch him do all the hard work in the garden over the next few weeks whils I just relax ahhhhhhh.

Appointment with the oncologist 8 July but do you know for now dont want to think about it just enjoy the next week with my family. Not playing the waiting game, this week it can rot .

Glad to be back guys catch you all soon

Love peace happiness and most of all HEALTH

Love you all

Jules

xx

Well guys and gals( god i sound like Jimmy Saville) its nearly ,tomorrow Im off to the medical mansion for the slice and dice I have been very patiently awaiting.  Now its nearly here im a little anxious but strangely enough i dont have the usual washing machine feeling in the tum. I guess for me its about evicting the squatter that has invaded my boob (how very dare it and how very rude)

My bag has been packed for a couple of weeks!  Keen or what.( no just sad) Its filled with such delights i might add,  delightful wee willie winkie nightshirts, big nickers...... and a granny pair of shuffling slippers. Not just delights folks they are M&S delights. In prepartion ive had, haircut, eyelash tint, eybrow tint, chiropody, waxing er........ o yes and manicure. One has to try and look ones best even though no one will give a damn i do and it will make me feel me if that makes sense.  Its bad enough to be losing my boob, but great to be losing the tum. Im taking a pic of a super model in with me so my plastic surgeon can see how i need to look (no pressure) LOL

Whilst i have made light of it, on a serious note it is a major job and the thought of being in the theatre for 8 hours (no not watching a show...... if only) but how silly i will be fast asleep what will i know. Well i will sure know when i wake up !

So here goes this is the real deal now and i need to hang on to all of my positivity and strength it cant waiver at this next massive hurdle.  I have said from the begining that i intend to kick the monster ass and that mindset has not changed.  So with the help of my wonderful oncologist, plastic surgeon and others we are going to get it.

I want to say thank you to all of my wonderful mac mates for their unending support over the last few weeks and i am lucky i found you all. Being part of this community has done more than you will ever know and will contiune to prop me up over the next few difficult months.

Hope to be back soon i need to keep up with all of our journeys. Take care everyone and am sending you all love and loads of hugs

Jules xx

Along with about 2,000 other gals me and my wonderful daughters and friends did the race today.  It was the most moving thing ever, just to see so many people there who have either lost someone to this god awful disease or have someone going through it, or are racing because they have cancer!

We had a wonderful day, we dressed as pink pussy cats including tails!, My daughters were the honey bunnys................... I felt very emotional and walked the 5k with a big lump in my throat, especailly as my racing comrades had messages on their backs to support me. i am very lucky to have such lovley caring friends, and not just those that joined me today but all those who sponsored me to raise over £300!

Afterwards we had a party at home and the girls decorated the house in pink and my youngest daughter Kate made a banner which we hung outside the house and lots of pink balloons. Everyone came, even my son in law, we buried the hatchet and decided life is too short for ill feeling. :) It made my day because we were all together. I was with the people i care most about.

Reality tomorrow back at the hospital for more scans and x rays and then in on Thursday for the op............................... I feel really odd in some ways because at this present moment i feel like i am in a strange unreal place, i know what is on the horizon, and it doesnt scare me anymore................... not sure if i should be scared? Perhaps i will get a wake up call before Thursday and become a gibbering wreck

Anyway enough waffle i am off to look at the HEART FM website, they took our picture in all our pink and said it would be on their website.   I know i know fame at last .................. autographs later ok. :)

Love

Jules xx