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What is my.Macmillan?
A blog about losing a loved one, feelings, thoughts, therapy and getting on with life.
Here I am, sat here on my bed in my little bedroom alone, apart from Jake my dog, dunking Rich Tea biscuits into coffee! WHAT?! I know, I know! Sacrilege, a faux pas! I will be cast out of society tea drinking circles! This is what it has come to; the water in this town is so appalling I can no longer drink tea; it doesn’t taste like tea anymore. What could I do? The biscuits were about to go soggy with age, having been abandoned in the cupboard. I had to dunk them in something. I apologise if I have already offended anyone, I can only say there are mitigating circumstances that will become clear as time goes on.
I have been meaning to write for some time now. There is a constant monologue going on in my head, I do so hope this is so for others and I am not just insane! I often imagine I’m talking to someone or just myself, anyone who will listen basically. So I thought maybe I should write a blog? As a brooding troubled teenager I faithfully wrote a diary for several years, something I decided to burn later in life due to it being so full of self loathing negativity! I did write to Pat, my late partner, every night for about 5 months until I had to move from the home we shared recently and decided to stop. I still have that but I wouldn’t suggest anyone reads it; even I have trouble reading it without tears. I call it my little book of pain, because that is what it is all about...the pain of losing a loved one. So not the two best examples of my writing but I’m hoping this will be a little different. If I get too depressing just give me a verbal slap and tell me to ‘pull myself together’. Stiff upper lip and all that, we’re British for goodness sake!
I have never written for anyone, apart from essays at school. School for me was definitely not ‘the best years of my life’. I spent most of my school days day dreaming or wishing I was somewhere else, if I could have been invisible to my fellow students that would have suited me down to the ground. I never really fitted in and I was average, even slightly below average in some subjects, but never low enough to receive extra help, ‘could do better’ was a regular comment on most of my reports. I didn’t have the courage to ask for help so I poodled along hoping someone, i.e. a teacher, would notice I was in above my head. They didn’t, unfortunately my invisibility wish came true where most teachers were concerned. Thank god for the head of the English department, my English teacher and a late blooming passion for reading. I churned out a few good essays and managed to get a reasonable result in English Language and Literature. That was that as they say, I couldn’t wait to get out of school and get a job!
So here I am, thinking I can actually write something someone would actually find interesting with an O’Level grade C in English Language and Literature! Ha ha! (Well I did say a reasonable result, not a good one!). I can’t quote Shakespeare or Latin and I’m not very well read despite a love of reading. The thing is I find writing very enjoyable, therapeutic even and that is something I so desperately need at the moment after the year I have just had. And I am just hoping that maybe, along the way, writing things down will help me to sort out this tangle of a life, even to find some sort of meaning to what has happened, though I’m not holding my breath on that one. One of my other loves is to talk, to discuss and to find out other people views. So please feel free to chip in, tell me I’m right, tell me I’m wrong, tell me your own stories. I hope someone does!
Love it or loathe it Face Book is a huge success as are many other social networking sites. Someone once said ‘how could we have ever doubted that the likes of Face Book and My Space would be a success? It is human nature to reach out, to communicate, to express’. So while this Blog is for my benefit, this is just another way to communicate and communication is a two way street.....
Hi JRK Jules, yes, I'd like to comment. Its good to get things down on paper. I think you did the right thing, the blogs allow us to think aload, well aload enough for others to hear, which is good. So sorry to hear about your bereavement. It really is horrible to lose someone so close. I'm sure that writing on here will help you big time its helping you to get those feelings out. At the moment I spend lots of time with my dogs, (I don't have kids), and because of my situation - I have breast cancer, which is my personal journey, my dogs give me such pleasure, comfort and are there when I need them, They never complain that mum hasn't taken them out for a decent walk for some time, they play in the garden, get fed regularly and are well looked after, especially my newish little rescue dog Tasha, she is a cross westie - shitzu, was at the back of the queue when good looks were dished out, but can she run, and play !! She is a joy to watch, and after being a wary, nervous and underfed dog when we got her, she has totally blossomed !! Hates to leave my side. Really, after a couple of minutes thougth, I sometimes wonder what is worse, have the dreaded 'C' or being the partner who is going through it as well. Well I suppose the first one really, but it is no picnic for the partner/husband, wife I'm sure. I like to write things down quite a lot. At the moment I am trying to set up a support group for breast cancer patients in my area. I enjoy the paper work and the setting up of this project is interesting, it is taking my mind off my treatment, who wants to be thinkiing about this for 24 hrs a day !! Not me. Perhaps when the pain gets a bit less for you in months to come, setting up something in your partners memory may help you to come to terms with things ? I don't know really but it may help. Well I had better go now, I usually get up in the middle of the night, I suppose not working, not burning up so much energy etc means I don't need so much sleep. Off to bed with Tasha I think she is ready to go too !!
winston (named myself after one of my dogs)
Dunking rich teas in coffee????? Really??? Ooh me too. So, now you know you are not alone on that score, you can breathe easy in the tea drinking circles. Actually, I am probably banned from them as well, but at least you can have company now.
It is good to write and good to write blogs. I took the plunge a while ago thinking no one would read it, but my head was spinning and in a mess and getting it out on here got it out my head and that stops it spinning round and that has to be a good thing. Others did read and their comments helped. It helped to know you are not alone and even if a lot of mine are silly to read, they are an account of what happened and its good to get it out. And I use the room for those rants to get my head clear. works wonders.
I can't offer any advice on your situation having only lost parents and not a partner and I know its different, though I was young and I have a 'book of pain' too of poems I wrote when my mum died. I don't look at it but i kept it (I also burnt my teenage angst diaries, sort of sorry now, cos I would like to reread them again from a distance- I think they would be funny now ah well.)
I actually think it is worse for the partners and carers. We get on with it, they wonder and worry and feel helpless and are sadly sometimes left behind. That is the fear I have at night in bed when the fears and sadness seem to come... I don't mind the treatment or the pain or any of that, its the thought of leaving my son and partner with such sadness that I find so hard and what keeps me fighting this b***** disease kicking its ass so hard.
Anyway, I wish you strength and courage on your journey until the occasional good day and mostly bad days suddenly flips and you realise you are now having occasional bad days and mostly good days and you can remember and smile... and while you tread slowly on your path to that place I send you hugs and a hand to hold and keep writing and we'll keep reading and somehow we'll get there. Together. You have a mac family that will read and write and chat with you and hold your hand and understand. And I think its the understanding that helps more than anything. I think you lot in that living beyond thread are amazing and I take my hat off to you all. I am so full of admiration for you (and not a headtilt in sight)
Take care now and well done for no longer being a blog virgin! Oh and fox's ginger creams dunk really well in coffee....
Little My xxx
ps that was a bit of a weird ramble. Sorry. My head is a bit knocked sideways after my appointment yesterday and going away today. If it didn't make any sense, just delete it. xxx
Dunking biscuits? The baker has used his well honed skill to bake them so they have that nice crunch and you soften them in coffee. I gave up dunking when the first time I tried it the bottom half of my biscuit fell to the bottom of the mug forming an unappetising sludge! Still it takes all sorts and you are in good company with LM, so carry on whatever is your fancy.
I love writing too, and am amazed that anyone should take the trouble to read my rubbish let alone "enjoy" reading it! it does help to clear the brain, if I have one. Apart from blogs on here I have had some articles published in a house magazine and have received favourable replies.
Losing a partner is hard, I lost mine at 50,, some 25 years ago and still miss her. We had been married 25 years, but had known each other since school and yes we were soul mates and she was also my friend and my conscience.
Things get better and eventually the pain will lessen and the happy memories will take over. What helped me the most was getting out and meeting new people, our old friends mostly drifted away since I was no longer a couple!
Congratulations on your first blog and I look forward to the second.
I blogged for about two years and made some amazing friendships on this site. Sadly a lot of them have now gone but at times the banter was unbelievable. My first blog and I had two comments criticising me - I wrote about bowel cancer and how it was - barium enemas, crapping yourself, fingers up yer bum and the dreaded underclart desecration. The backlash was amazing - I had about 100 replies all praising my delerious drivelling and my blog: The Demise of Roland Ratso (I called my tumour Roland Rats) became famous. You can still Google The Demise of Roland Ratso! WHat about that! Soon there was a bit of cult following and it was avidly read by a number of hospice inmates and I met up with a number of like minded lunatics who were determined to make the best of a bad job. I started writing it becasue a friend said I should keep a diary to look back on and then I found Macmillan and the rest as they say is history. I started posting it after reading a blog from a woman called Sarah AKA Indie Chick who had a brain tumour. She wrote very funny blogs punctuated with Heh! Heh's which always made me laugh. I found writing a good way to let off steam, was flattered and encouraged by the comments, abd found that people were finding my blog funny and informative. I don't read the maudlin self pitying blogs although abviously people need to get it off their chest so I would say "Publish and be damned!" keep it light hearted and enjoy it. Your first blog is excellent and in the right vein. Little My is wrong when she says her blogs are silly. They are funny but with a serious message. Cancer is brutal and unfortunately the treatment is even more brutal. As I ALWAYS say - keep smiling. ANd good luck with your treatment and your writing. Dunking indeed!
You write really well, from the heart, and you have a lovely, friendly chatty style - I think your blog is going to be a huge success, both for those of us who read it, and for you in that it will hopefully be cathartic. I am so sorry about your loss, it must be so hard for you. I'm got breast cancer, and my partner has been so fabulous since this whole thing started, it just brings us so much closer, that for one half of that whole to be missing must be awful. Please keep writing, and let us know how it's going. I don't have a problem with the coffee, but rich tea biscuits? Go out tomorrow and buy something much more delicious!
Take care, Yvonne x
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