feeling sorry for myself , ,, and thats not like me :(

Jenni, sounds to me like you are being way too hard on yourself.  Try looking at your story as if it was another member on here, what would you see:

Someone who has lost the love of their life after an exhausting and not too pleasant battle.  Its only weeks after their beloved departed this world and they are still coming to terms with the way life is now.

What would you say? Pick yourself up and get on with it, nooooooooooooooooooo!  You'd be telling them to be gentle on themselves as they are going to experience a whole host of emotions in the coming weeks.  T

There are people on here who have been through this (some this year) who could probably give far better advice than me.  I say, use us and abuse us as much you need but don't bottle anything up.  You don't have to pretend anything with us Jenni.

Love, strength & gentle hugs

Debs xx

Oh Jenni sweetheart you need to give yourself a break. You are doing really well, you are coping amazingly well however much you feel you aren't, most of us feel the same and we ALL tell people we're fine.  I don't think half the time my kids know how much I miss their dad, you are right they have their friends and their own lives and I know they miss him too but it isn't the same.  Let those tears fall, allow the memories to wash through you, I think they have to come, I tried pushing away the awful last days and weeks but it wasn;t until I had allowed them back (more than once) and cried them out again, that I could start climbing back up and coping with them.  I too know that Steve is with me, but you are right there also, it's the physical contact the being there with a hug, a word or just a look, that's when I silently scream WHY???????? IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!  (Have to do it silently as Samantha still living with me and she would worry enormously if she knew how wrecked I still am)

Good on you getting the lawn mower and contrary to Ju cringing at the thought I bet he'll be there helping you through it (he probably sent his dad for the first cut after all).  We've all had to learn things we took for granted that they did for us, I've even had to cope with some unpleasant people (see how polite I can be) stealing our sit on lawn mower, claiming on insurance and getting it replaced and then the darned thing got a flat tyre!!!!  But how ever many tears we shed we do get through, we learn and we cope and we are proud of our achievements (however much we didn't want to do them) and our dear husbands are smiling down and saying "yeah, knew she could do it"

With regards to a job with MacMillan not sure if they will be the same but even voluntary stuff with our local hospice they prefer you wait at least a year from bereavment as however ready you might feel you may not be up to dealing with the things you might come across through them.  But worth enquiring as there might be something for you and I am sure you would be highly valuable to them and feel better from being able to use all you have had to learn.

Biggest of hugs to you and keep pouring out your thoughts on here, letting those tears fall, but then taking a deep breath and blowing a kiss to your dear Ju, he will be hugging you xxxx

Hello Ju, we haven't met before my sweet but you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself, there is no time limit on how long you should grieve. I haven't lost anyone to this awful disease but my baby boy died when he was only 21 wks old. now this was a few years ago but I never stop thinking about him and it is a cliche time is a great healer, you DON"T FORGET but as time passes it doesn't hurt so much to remember.

So look after yourself,cry when you want to, laugh when you want to and the next time someone is stupid enough to ask if you're ok tell them no you are not, you don't have to explain how you feel to anyone, but we are all here for you and we don't mind however many times you want to talk and I love you bought a lawn mower, because every time you mow your grass your beloved will be with you circling you in his love.

I"m also sending you big hugs and I hope you can feel the warmth of my love.

Take care my sweet.

Vee.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sweet jenni

You have every right to feel sorry for yourself.  Anyone would in your situation.  But you also have every right to feel very proud of yourself for coping so well.  

It is always hard to lose someone close to you especially after you have watched them suffer as you have.  I lost my Mum when she was 69 to Alzheimer's, which is also a cruel disease,  I grieved for her for many years and still cry for her at times.  I felt sorry for myself too when she went.

Not long after she died, I tried working at a nursing home which catered for patients with dementia and it was a big mistake.  I just couldn't handle seeing people suffering as she did and I only lasted a very short time.  Give yourself time jenni to come to terms with losing ju.

You are a lovely person.  I could tell that from our private chat soon after I joined this site.  Unselfish, loving and caring.  It's time to care for yourself now as ju would have wanted.

Lots of love and *hugs*.

Marjorie

Dear Jenni

I think you have every right to feel sorry for yourself after what you've been through. I can only guess what it must be like by multiplying what I've been feeling over the past few weeks by about a hundred. I haven't lost the love of my life, and I don't have young children to care for any more - but it has hurt like hell at times. I keep re-playing the day dad died, even though we try to remember the happy times. You just take your time, you're in the early stages of your grieving, and ignore any insensitive people. There are, i hope, none of those on here!

Love the idea of the pink gardening gloves - you'll need wellies to match!

Sending you lots of love, Val X