Greyness

1 minute read time.

After I was first diagnosed with prostate cancer there was an initial denial, then shock. But now there’s a certain dullness in my life, everything just appears grey and indistinct. There is always something, like my future with cancer, at the back of my mind. This permeates to the surface at regular intervals, and often when I’m least expecting it. The outside world appears far away and not sharp, like a picture which has faded or a photograph out of focus. It does mean that I’m quite easy to please, the answer to ‘does this look good?’ or ‘do you want this?’ is always yes, as it all seems the same to me.

There’s also a distance between me and the world, like I’m wearing lead lined complete body covering. There’s an experience, observation or joke which take time to penetrate so I can understand what is going on. Then my reply takes a while to materialise, it could take some time for me to respond. So please don’t take me to a comedy night out I’ll be laughing at the wrong time recognising the first joke as the comedian is telling the third story. I’m not sure how I manage to live from day to day, as there’s food I eat, clothes I get dressed and somehow on a more occasional basis now, I end up at work. Probably just driving and moving on automatic pilot.

This state is not uncomfortable to me, I know where I am, and this dullness has not affected my mood. However I’ve no idea of the impact on other people, but with this lead suit on me I think that is maybe their problem.

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Derekm

    I know how you feel I was diagnosed in October (after being invited to a Wellman Clinic)last year and the initial diagnosis does put you into a state of shock. In my case it was further compounded when I received the news after my scans that a lump had been found on the back of one of my kidneys!

    You have not indicated when you received the news, or given an indication as to your PSA reading or where your cancer is on the Gleason Scale.

    I was lucky both cancers were found early (thanks to my GP) and have now been dealt with. I was advised and went with the surgical option for the prostate which was removed in January this year, and my kidney was removed in April. I have since received good news about both cancers and require no further treatment.

    All I can say is things got better for me once I had decided on treatment and once I had resolved to not let the cancer define me. I started to make plans for the future and did a lot of research about the disease. I also started a blog where I wrote down my feelings and found it helped. In the end I decided to go public and publish it in an attempt to persuade other men get checked out, because as men we often ignore symptoms (although I had none at all!).

    I am not sure if any of the above helps you but hope it does. I wish you and your family all the very best and hope you are as lucky as I have been. Please do not give up hold onto the good things in your life. One thing I have learned from all this is the value of any relationships, wife / partner, family and friends. Without their support I would not have been in a good place and would have struggled with the diagnosis.

    Good luck for the future.

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Derekm

    I have just noticed your other posts, and realise now the comments above are probably at best a little crass. I apologies if I have caused you any further distress and wish you all the very best.

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Talman

    There is no need to apologise at all for your comments. We are on different journeys. In my case the cancer was picked up too late for an operation, so I'm on hormone therapy. At the time of my random PSA test I had no symptoms. I am pleased for you that the operations were a success, and that you do not require further treatment. I wish you all the best for the future.

    Was your blog a success? I was going to describe my journey as a blog on this site, as there are already a number of interested people who read the entries. In my case I will be living with cancer for some time.

    Thanks for your comments and best wishes.