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I've a diagnosis of BCC, non-life threatening as far as skin cancer goes but still as scary as hell. Anxiety, depression, selfishness. numbness etc are all feelings I have constantly and yet I have the 'good kind.'
Having had a 'scab' in my (very blond) hairline for about a year, which I enjoyed picking - who wouldn't - but became quickly ashamed of when it bled and took me back to being a spotty teenager, I finally got to the doctor about 4 weeks ago. Had a baby 18 months ago and had so many 'complications' following that, adding a scabby forehead to my long list of ailments was too embarrassing - I don't want to spend my life seeing the doctor - I hate the feeling I get when I go as if they are saying, not her again without having to sit down and go through 3 or 4 problems. So I left it. It was only a scab. Skin coloured really and only scabby cos I picked it.Finally got there to be given an urgent biopsy. Came back positive.I managed admirably - only told my husband and 1 work colleague until I had diagnosis and then my life has flat-lined. I'd started to settle back to work, and things were going well, following 4 years of baby growing. But now I can't concentrate on anything. The first two weeks were ok, but suddenly I've hit a wall. I can't see past it - I have cancer. No, not typically life-threatening, but typical is not 100%. I've never been typical. I've always been a bit 'odd' - maybe 'autistic' - but suddenly I'd pay millions to be 'typical'. I've drunk, smoked and sun-bathed. Stupid idiot.I've taken to anxiety attacks - what ifs about my daughters, what if they went missing, what if they choke, what if they hit their heads? And I cry - all the way to work this morning, a 40 minute journey. What if it goes wrong now? I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have kids and here I am with two absolute beauties - is it fair to go and leave them? Why did my bloody stupid younger self not have the sense to consider these two absolute treasures and their future? BTW, my husband is a big boy, I love him and I know he'd cope well if anything happened. He'd understand, so he's not my worry.Finally - and this is a biggy. My BCC is pathetic compared to other cancers. My uncle dies of an aggressive brain tumour last year. I know these things come in grades and mine is minor - so why am I being so pathetic and whingy? How would I cope wre it to be worse? I dread to think.....
Hi, what ifs drive you insane and don't actually solve anything. We all do it at some point of course, but it doesn't help change anything.
I drunk and smoked and did all kinds of naughty things... did they cause my cancer? who knows and actually it doesn't matter as I have it and am here now and unless I can invent a time machine, there is not point in wondering...
Of course you are upset and anxious. You've just been told you have cancer. Doesn't matter what grade or type, that word has been given power it doesn't deserve and it scares us. And it is all relative. Ok so people are worse off than you, but that doesn't change your situation does it. You are still facing what is a difficult thing for you, whatever anyone else is doing... we could all say oh someone worse off so stop worrying (except for the poor person at the bottom of the chain of course but that doesn't change what we feel does it?
I sometimes think the more serious, the better we cope in some ways as we put on our battle armour but you would manage if it were worse, but it isn't so don't worry.
So, firstly, it sounds not too bad and that is a good thing. You need a bit of time to get your head round it and then you will cope. We all cope because we do... (we have no choice to be honest)
You will calm down and your anxieties will fade and will rise again at times when you have appointments etc. That is the way it goes and we all learn to deal with it.
In the meantime, this is a really supportive site and lots of people who know how it feels and we help eachother out and we don't play cancer top trumps and say who is worse off than others. We help eachother along the way whatever. So, join your cancer group and chat to others in there and write blogs and we will be with you...
Sorry, that was a bit of a ramlbe... I tend to do that. Hope something made some sense somewhere in that and if it didn't, then 'Hi' and welcome :)
Little My x
Hi Little MyIt made lots of sense, thank you. From the titles of posts that I've read I can see what a supportive community it is (haven't dared to delve any deeper just yet) and I will join my group - I have looked it up and I know it's there, at least.I have felt good having started this blog - my hubby is wonderful and I can talk to him, but I don't want to keep going on and I don't want to stress him further than he is, one of us needs to remain as much on the level as possible. Being able to put down my thought and reread them - even if no one else does - seems like it could help!Thanks again Neenan x x x
Just want to say i dont drink ,smoke ,dont do drugs,dont sleep around, am a good persson but i blame it on oven cleaner lol i really Do .there is no ryme or reason but i found one i think its human nature ,so try to not think about what you think might of caused it, its just another thing to feel guilty over and being mums we do.I have a big old list that im working on
Like what has been said to me lots of times you have really good days and really terrible days, although this time i have gone a few weeks im just waiting for it to go which experience tells me it will and i will have few good days were i feel like im coping ok.
I'll try to reply for the third time - getting very frustrated and the moment has gone, but I'll persist.Never been a drug taker nor one for too much 'fun' but I can also swear against the possibility of too much cleaning products causing my 'thing'! Oh well - I'll carry on searching for an idea. Chocolate?
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