Lean on me

3 minute read time.

There are a lot of things one goes through being diagnosed with cancer. Disbelief, pain, shock, pain and a lot of worry.

So a good stable marriage should be able to cope. And yet, which seems like a moment in time, everything you thought was perfect has been picked up, bended and spilled out in some unrecognisable mess.

We are only in the initial weeks of knowing, and as of yet my husband has not made a decision on the course of treatment. And when you hear the words you can survive this, you think yes, we can do this. It isn’t until you realise with prostate cancer, survival has a different meaning. And your husband doesn't think survival is quite as ‘good’ as it seems.

To support someone with cancer is extremely emotional. You hurt for them, you hurt for yourself. Will they survive, won’t they. And never will I say any one cancer doesn't come with a whole world of turmoil or is worse than another. Because wow it can turn your world upside down.

However, I can only talk about what is becoming a reality to me. Now I love my husband. He is not perfect and nor am I. He is not quite PC, he doesn’t talk about emotions, and he thinks a sense of humour is about winding people up. Forgive him or not he is mine, by choice, by marriage and love.

But being 49 and there is no reason he shall not see many more birthdays, it is the decisions you have to make, the risks and complications you may endure. You see, men are rather attached to their penises. Although I see us as (even though he doesn’t like the term) ‘best friends’ I haven’t quite got the relationship he has with his true friend! And as soon as you talk about certain treatments with certain complications it is like opening Pandora ’s Box.

Now I have had the need to talk, share my fears, my tears and pain. I know it is not my genitals we are talking about, and ultimately he is going thought some kind of emotional crap at the moment I cannot possible understand. But if he cries, I cry. I see the pain and I hurt, and I am helpless and as frightened as him.

So the reason for me to share, he will not talk, to friends, family, strangers, or even me. Slowly he is opening up. But as soon as I say the wrong thing, the door is closed, bolted and barricaded. I think it might even be chained!

‘Why would I want another person knowing I have cancer, what possible benefit or support can anyone offer? All you do is worry them, then on top of an emotional roller coaster you are going through, you have the added worry that your mum is upset, your dad is devastated, your friends feel sorry for you and strangers whisper.’

And my heart goes out to this train of thought. Maybe men are proud, embarrassed or ashamed, so many words to describe how one is feeling, yet none of which really explain how to deal with this awful, sad, disease.

I have talked to friends. Not all, some I only just met and don’t know john, it is easier that way. But a couple really close friends. They have been a pillar of support and strength. I have broken, got up dusted myself off, used humour and broken again. But we will get through this even if we drag each other kicking and screaming.

I may not be a perfect partner, I may not say the right thing at the right time, like ‘isn’t it a lovely spring day, first day we have felt the warmth of the sun?’ Didn’t quite get the round of applause I was hoping for as I tried to find something nice to say about that day.

But I will support, I will listen, I will cry, and although he is beside himself I talk to people, I need too, because there are days the sun doesn’t rise, there is no light and I feel like I am screaming inside. And if I feel like this, only God knows what he is feeling.

So, we will find, or he will find the right treatment, we will get through this, it may be painful both emotionally and via any treatments, he/we may encounter physical problems, we may shout at each other, we may laugh and hug a lot, but together we will beat cancer.

Tx

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Dearest Tina,

    my heart goes out to you. I will not insult you by saying I know exactly how you feel because I don't I can however empthathise with a lot of what you have said.

    My Mum was diagnosed with cancer of her skull in January and she has had radiotherapy, due to underlying health reasons she cannot have chemo. I particularly related to the way you described your feelings about caring for someone with Cancer. Just know that you have people here that you can talk to and who can liten to anything you have to say.

    You need to take care of yourself too.

    I am sending fondest wishes to You and Your Hubby and I hope that whatever decision you both make as a coupe it is one that is best for you,

    with affection

    Jules x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Well, I now know you cannot eat soup and cry at the same time. Thank you for your kind words.  The support from people here has been really good.  Look after yourself too. Tx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Tina,

    What a lovely and well-written blog post. In fact, we have made it one of our featured posts this week. Well done!

    All our featured content appears on the community homepage (desktop site).

    Check out our other top discussions and favourite content.

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hello Tina thanks so much for your blog post which really resonated with me.

    My husband was diagnosed with anal cancer on March 2nd and is in hospital now undergoing find the first week of inpatient chemo.

    Hardest part for me is seeing the one I love so frightened yet so strong (big boys don't cry) and I just hope and pray the treatment will do the trick and get our happy lives back to some sort of normal even if it will never quite be the same again.

    AndI had a good reminder yesterday of just how lucky we are to be able to shoulder the challenge together. There was an elderly man having a one day chemo in the ward who when discharged at 7pm was having to take 2 buses home to a house where he lived alone. And just guess? He was a happy wee chappy in himself and seemed to have accepted his circumstances. He taught me a lot about acceptance yesterday - just hope I can develop more of it and continue to love and support my husband and all around during this.

    For the first time since diagnosis I feel stronger and calmer this morning.

    I wish you and your husband all the very best with the journey ahead.

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Tina

    I am currently recovering after surgery in January this year to remove my prostate, I was in the same position as your husband. It is not a good place to be because you have to make a decision, in the end I chose surgery as it seemed the least worst option. I also did not have the luxury of not having treatment, and despite the well documented side effects I decided that living was better than the alternative!

    It has not been easy but I am now almost over the incontinence problems. With regard the erectile dysfunction issues yes that is difficult for a man to come to terms with but ultimately I had to decide what was more important, my life or the unaided ability to make love. The pressure was greater (self inflicted to a degree) because my wife died in 2008 of ovarian cancer so the conversation with my children was a difficult one. I also had to consider my new partner but we talked about it and we are dealing with it, and in October this year we are getting married!

    My situation was further complicated when whilst scanning to see if the prostate cancer had spread they found a lump on my kidney. They decided it was suspicious and almost certainly a tumour so I had one of my kidneys removed at the beginning of this month.

    The good news is that all my tests for the prostate cancer have come back clear I have a clear margin after removal of the prostate and my PSA which was 20 is now 0.01. Which means I need no further treatment. The consultant who did my kidney is also convinced that no further treatment will be required. In fact he expects me to be back on the golf course next week, and on my bike shortly after!

    I am not sure if any of the above will help and my heart goes out to you and your husband. It is not an easy journey but with the support of those you love it is easier than doing it alone. I actually wrote a blog documenting my journey since my diagnosis, which I found helped me. I chose to publish it on Wordpress to highlight the importance (to men) of going to the doctor. My cancer was discovered due to having a health check offered by my GP I had absolutely no symptoms so I actually regard myself as very lucky.

    I will end this now before it becomes War and Peace! But remember there is hope and light and the end of the tunnel. My thoughts are with you, your husband and your family.