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My Father has being diagnosed with Cancer and has been given a few weeks to live, I really can't cope with loosing him.
Well good evening everyone. Thanks for tuning in for another post of rambling!
Today has been one of the worst days of my life.
Today my dad told me he was giving up!
Today was the last day he had dialysis.
Today was the day my dad was admitted to the Hospice
Today was the day i was meant to accept the fact that my dad is going to die. And i did accept for about 30 minutes, whilst he was going through everything.
My dad has given up dialysis and any treatment for cancer, he is not taking any medication to help him, he will only take pain relief. Without my dialysis my dad's body will eventually become so weak, he will go to sleep one night and not wake up the next day. Without dialysis that will happen in 2-3 weeks.
How is this fair? Dad has taken this very well, he has accepted the fact that he has 14 - 21 days left on this planet. left people who love him.
Now comes the worst few weeks of my life. After 30 minutes of crying i'm okay. i'm not thinking about it. We were laughing about the dog being allowed in with him, still making him take the dog out in his wheelchair. ]
My mum is an absolute wreck, she cried in the fish and chip shop, and the little chinses lady was very confused and worried.
I understand dad doesn't want to be in pain and suffer, he doesn't want to prolong the inevitable, but what about us. Why doesn't he want to fight harder to spend more time with us? i don't want him to suffer and be hurting, but aren't we worth it?
I'm being so selfish, but i want to keep my dad forever, I've only had 21 years with him i want another 40 more years, surely we deserve that. I find myself being jealous of my brother because he's had longer with him, my brother has had 7 extra years, and i'm jealous of that.
For the next 2-3 weeks, we are waiting for him to die. He really is in the best place, originally we all wanted him at home to die here in his house. But this morning he fell trying to get off the sofa to go to dialyze. I got a phone call from work saying he refused dialysis this morning, mum was so worried she called the district nurses out, who took him straight to the hospice.
I am now on compassionate leave from work until the inevitable happens, i feel like i'm on autopilot, like i'm a robot. i'm not thinking anymore, i don't want to sleep because i don't want the nightmares, i don't want to eat because i constantly feel sick.
I don't think this is ever going to get better, how are you meant to get over something this big, this painful. It hurts so bad, i can't breathe and i don't want to breathe anymore, i don't see us getting through this. He is the center of our world, of my world! he's my dad, i only get 1 so why does he get taken away so soon.
I have never been in this much pain, and it hasn't even happened yet.
Does it get easier? i don't see it happening personally! I feel like the pain will stay forever! he's my life, he's my dad and i'm not going to have him anymore. i cannot imagine a worser pain than this.
sorry for rambling again. and thank you all for your kind comments, it's amazing how many strangers out there send love and wishes and prayers.
a heartbroken Daisy x
It certainly is a heartbreaking situatuion you all find yourself in Diasy. It's a similar one that I had to face last year and we lost my dad to this shitty disease and it's that same situation that many on here have had to face.
Face it you will and get through it you will because there's no running away!!!!
I wish you much strength and resillience over these next fews weeks and beyond.
it is an awful situation that you and all your family are in. You will know by now that unfortunately it isn't at all unusual. You WILL get through the days as Jan says, simply because you must. There is no choice. Now is the time when you have to grit your teeth and concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. The outside world and work and ordinary things lose their meaning. Your world reduces to a man in a bed in a room, and you wait on a chair and you wait some more, and you can't make him better.
You will be exhausted, but you will go on. You will have to make yourself eat, because you need to be strong: for you father, your mother, your family and of course, for yourself. You are lucky (stupid word) in that you have siblings so you will be able to share this miserable experience, but also to share memories of good, happy times with your father, so that he will live on through his children. Your mother will need lots of support, but it doesn't all have to come from you, and I hope you can all take turns in supporting each other.
When someone you love is dying of cancer, and can't be at home, a hospice is an absolute Godsend. I really mean that. I have experienced two in different parts of the country (as a relative, not as a patient) and they somehow manage to lift that enormous burden you are carrying and share the load with you. Your father will receive excellent care there and they will do their uttermost to make sure he has the best possible quality of life in his last days. I hope you and your family will find reassurance from your hospice staff. Hospices are SO much better than hospitals because they have fewer patients who receive personal, individual care from people who are experts in caring for the terminally ill. I can't praise them highly enough (for the care my mother-in-law, and later, my father received, and for the care and attention they show to relatives).
I don't know about it getting 'easier': it's never easy, but you have already had the shock and the terror of the diagnosis and prognosis. If you have got to the stage where you know what the ending of the story will be and it cannot possibly be changed, I think we all have to accept the inevitable simply because there is nothing else to do. Hideous, hellish cancer can't be fought against once it has reached a certain stage. It's NOT fair, it's completely wrong, and it's just vile in every way. It has no soul, no compassion, and it doesn't care who it destroys. It can't take away memories and friendship and love though. That's where WE are stronger.
This site is wonderful: anything you need to express, at any time, will find someone who is willing to listen. I am so sorry you are having to go through this horrible experience at such a young age. I wish you and your family strength to get through this together. And I hope you always have someone to hold you tight. That's the best treatment for a broken heart.
love and hugs from minima x x x
My dad is in a hospice and we have been told that we could have a few days or weeks with him. I share your pain. Why do they take the good ones?
Minima thank you for your advice it has helped me also, I agree my local hospice is so gentle and caring.
Oh Daisy *BIG HUGS* firstly please, please don't be mad at your dad, he is so very tired and he needs to sleep, he needs to go, it is his wish. Prolonging this agony for him is also prolonging it for you, you won't feel blessed for an extra week(s) with him because he decided to 'fight a bit harder' to stay with you. Of course he doesn't want to leave you, how could he, you're his family, his whole life, one of this is his choice....
I would say you are at the worst time, it is agony for you, heartbreaking, watching your dad, your strong dad die is such an awful time, they are so frail and so ill and it is just simply awful. But once your dad has passed he will be at peace and although you will feel like your heart has been ripped out, you too will feel a sense of peace that he is no longer suffering, he is not in pain and he is at peace. He doesn't deserve this, you don't deserve this, it is all just too cruel for words.
I lost my dad 6 months ago. It is so hard to watch them deteriorate. To hear those words and he is dying and it will be quick. To witness him go, it is all so hard to take but I honestly still feel a huge sense of peace that he is safe now. We no longer fear the cancer, the appointments, any decisions on treatments, the oncologist cannot hurt us anymore. Dad is free and he is at peace.
I hope the hospice treat him well, it may help to read the 'end of life' section on here as it is so true and it will give you some comfort. He is in good hands and the end of his journey will be smooth and painfree and he will just fall asleep, they will make sure of that.
My thoughts are with you xx
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