At the age of 15 i struggled to come to terms with accepting my mum had breast cancer, even though there was a cure for it. Now, I'm 19 and I'm beside myself wondering how I'm ever going to come to terms with the fact, my mums cancer is back, but this time also in her spine and pelvis with no cure available. Although my mum is currently undergoing treatment (radio and chemo therapy) to control it, the thought of what the future holds scares the hell out of me because i know it won't work forever. Although she is remaining reasonably positive taking everything into account and she is coping with the side effects well, it rips me apart seeing her like this. I genuinely thought that after the first time it couldn't get any worst, but its come back round like a smack in the face and has got me ten times worst.
I've got so much love and support around me, but it doesn't take the hurt, fear, pain, upset away, I've had so many days recently when i just can't stop crying, i can't face the world, i just want to hide away forever. I'm a third of the way through my nurse training and the thought of going back to it in September is really worrying me as i don't know if i'm going to cope. Its so hard to carry on as normal when every day is now so precious and i can't get myself out of this black hole.
My mum is the most caring person i know, putting EVERYONE before herself. Her father, my grandad, is currently very weak and ill which is also putting a strain on the family. She still tries to put everyones needs before her own, but i know deep down she is so scared of everything. Last time this happened she became very depressed and i practically lost my mum for months and i cannot let that happen again.
My friends and family are being incredibly supportive and i know they're there for me to talk to, however i worry i'm putting too much strain on them and making them feel low. I try so hard to be my normal self, but even though i can smile and have a giggle with my friends, immediately after its back to the feeling of upset, worry, anger and despair. I feel like i'm rubbish company at the moment, lack of conversation and general posivity and i don't want to push my friends away but as much as i try i can't get back my normal happy smiley giggly self.
Someone PLEASE tell me there is a way out, that I'm not going to feel like this forever, that there is hope...
