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You know, one of the worst experiences of my adult life was feeding my father spoonsful of yoghurt in hospital and watching it dribble out of his mouth again. (He didn't have cancer; he'd had a stroke.) I didn't like him, never did, but it's a fact that he was a highly successful businessman, good at almost everything he did - other than getting on with his family - very much respected by his peers, and even after he got Maxwelled (publishing term) he carried on working with the Parish Council and his church. And then the stroke, and then this.
All of which was brought to mind by this morning's delightful breakfast of Muller rice (apple; I don't really like any of the other flavours), eaten very slowly, in half-spooonsful, so as not to burn my gullet or worsen the pain in my chest - which is drastically exacerbated if I try to eat or drink anything cold. It's actually not too bad at present, but we're treading warily. As pains go, it's not much fun, and it did have me wondering whether I should call it to the attention of the chemotherapy team. (Recent events notwithstanding, I have to be practically at death's door before I make a fuss. I know this is unwise.)
So. Muller rice. Yum. Is it any wonder that Mr Crab occasionally uncoils and demands a big plate of steak and chips?
I've had to give in to him a little, btw. He needs meat, and wouldn't give me any rest until he got it. So he's had a few bits of chicken, some ham, and a tiny bit of Quiche Lorraine. That's 35 years of strict vegetarianism and another 10 of fish-eating down the drain. But, I suppose, what does it matter in the end?
Chemo yesterday was not too bad, all things considered; we got there a bit early, and they managed to work a little faster than is sometimes the case - that "sometimes the case" does occasionally include gaps of up to an hour where they seem to have forgotten us altogether - so we got out not much after 6 in the evening, by which time most of the commuter traffic had died down. The main problem yesterday was my veins. It took them at least six tries - possibly seven - and three nurses before they could get a cannula in. It really can't go on this way, not if, as Judy says, I have months of this chemo ahead of me; I'll have to get a PICC line, or one of the alternatives. Again, not something that makes me want to do a little happy dance, but ... it's cancer. You do what you gotta do.
Oh Hilary ....... your description of your father's dribbling his yoghurt was very much me after my surgery - indeed for quite a while afterwards too, it was a case of ' where's a bib when you need one ? ' especially when I graduated onto tomato soup ! Those were the days, as someone once sang.
Afraid that I can't say that any of the Muller rices would make a very appetising breakfast though ....... maybe some yoghurt ( not freezing cold ) would feel a bit more soothing ? Hilary, do ask for some of that mouthrinse stuff called Mugard ....... it's supposed to help prevent / relieve sore mouths brought on with the teatments. Unfortunately I can't say if it works or not as they didn't offer me anything apart from Oramorph when the damage was already done ........
Mr Crab is demanding meat now ? Funny how our diets and preferences change, I have actually gone off the thoughts of any red meat now - mainly because I can't manage it - but will tolerate mince in a pasta ( the protein is essential for healing, they tell me )
Here's hoping that your chemo sessions go better without all the pain of ' hunt the vein ' for the canulas - I remember it well and one time broke into tears because the Blood Nurse hurt so much ( mine was for blood tests only, by the way ) So maybe the PICC line will be an improvement ? I do hope so, Hilary ...... and here's to you getting that seat at the Boss's concert !
Love and hugs, Joycee xxx
Just sending some big hugs Hils.
Your story of hunt the vein brings back too many painful memories!
Odin xxx
I don't know, what is it with basic training for nurses?Loads of them on my chemo ward had degrees but very few could hit a vein first ime. One of them actually said I had "lovely juicy veins" - at which I almost threw up, being vein/blood/ artery/generally phobic - but that clearly didn't assist them.
Sorry to read that your chest is still hurty & that Mr. Crab is demanding alien victuals. Still, if you can keep something down, however distasteful previously, then it's a little victory, which can't be bad. As you say, you do what you gotta do.
Hang in there, we don't have much choice with crabface.
Love & hugs,
xxx
Hello Hilary and friends. i had a similar experience with my dad last October/November. Again, a very strong man with a big personality, always been 'in charge' at work and a bully at home. He was reduced to the teaspoonful meal too: having been a big (meat) eater it was very peculiar and disturbing to see. I came to realise only recently that neither of my parents were the kind of people I'd choose to be around. Weird. Hilary, I'm sorry you are still in pain. Hope it improves soon. xxxx
My dad was a git and lived off gin, cider and complan. Thankfully I didn't have to feed him any of those things and he had the decency to shove off to helll (my guess) at what I did not think was young until I hit 40 and now 48 seems way too young haha. Sorry, you didn't need to know all of that. I am glad you are managing to keep down a muller rice. Please tell nurses. They do stuff. I started out on the martyr don't say anything, cope with paracetamol etc but in the end she said that looks awful, no prizes for martyrs, everyone else at your stage is dosed up their eyeballs on morphne and the like so do it. I did. I think you are being too stoical.
Are you sur that zoomorph isn't something else? your tossing bits of chicken etc at Mr Crab did make me think of feeding time at the zoo... lizard, tiger? what do you fancy?
I hated my PICC and danced the happy dance when they took it out (in my head, I could barely walk, never mind dance) It was good for chemo, transfusions etc and the like though they need a special nurse to take blood from it which was a right pain and a lot of the time they said Oh can we just do it in your arm? So much for that. I had a pump attached to it for some of the time toowhich made life rather inconvenient. Actually cancer does inconveninece one in so many ways so sod it and get oneI say, unless you are a shower fiend cos you can't get them wet.
sorry, too tired and can't even remember what you said now. I do know I care about you and don't want you in pain and able to enjoy a few things so get it sorted if you can.
Biggest of hugs to you
Little My xxx
ps can i make a stink about your ticket to see the Boss? I play a good cancer card when I want to :)
You can shower with a PICC line - just get a rather stylish bin bag type thing to put it in (or wrap it in cling film). I was told to shower daily - to reduce the odds of infection - then had a line put in which took all the fun out of it :(
Speak to one of your chemo team about your pain. No prizes for being a martyr, and it won't benefit anyone if you're in enough pain you can hardly eat anything.
Hi Hilary:
Don't they insert ports in the UK? I wasn't sure I wanted one at first but I'm so glad they insisted.
I just had the most horrific experience getting an IV inserted for a CT scan and it made me realise how this could have been the way it went every 3 weeks for chemo!
I respected my dad, and yes in retrospect I guess I loved him too. I am so sorry that your relationship with yours was not so good and yet you were still there for him when he needed you. He and your Mum obviously did something right.
Sending you positive vibes and healing hugs. Hang in there girl!
Pam
Hils, I am just going to send you lots of hugs and spoons, I hated standing by the sink on chemo days with my hand in very warm water, praying that my vein would pop up and become available for the nurses, I would stand there smiling at the ladies already hooked up and the nurses rushing past or stopping every so often to see if the warm water was working, it made me feel a bit like the new girl at school standing waiting to join the class!!!!
Much love
Ruby x
Oh yum yum, don't we get the best treats??
I have a hickman, and apart from having to have shallow baths, I haven't noticed it a bit, weird what you can become accustomed to...
Tell the team EVERYTHING, because they can usually do something to help :)
Huge hugs to you,
Ems xxxxxx