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- Major panic attack Sunday night
-Three-hour wait for out-of-hours doctor
- Discovery that there is only one out-of-hours doctor for North Oxfordshire almost triggers another panic attack
- Routine appointment with oncologist on Monday morning
- Nausea, headache, hurty tummy
- Asked if I could lie down
- Got to lie down for the next two days in bed on hospital ward
- Totally unprepared, had to send Judy home then back again to pick up clothes and wash stuff
- EKG, X-rays, CT scan, ultrasound, stomach drain
- No sleep. Bajillions of sympathy to the poor lady with pneumonia, but ...
- Not much fun, but, as the tummy draining doctor said,- "If anything goes wrong, you're in the right place"
None of this was much fun, truthfully. However, the good news is that my oncologist came to see me, put her hand on my arm and looked intently into my eyes and assured me they "hadn't given up yet".So I should bloody well hope.
Although ... although you're not supposed to say so, sometimes the thought of just dying quietly in my sleep is quite attractive. But shhhhh! Don't quote me. Everyone thinks I'm being Terribly Brave. Poor fools, little do they know. Inside, I'm screaming.
Hi Hilary, I can not comprehend what it must be like for you that are fighting this, as only a retired carer, but if it helps I am screaming with you as loud as I can, and I am sure you are very brave and will keep on fighting this and win win win... take care and big big hugs xxx
Hilary, I am glad you are home again. I am glad they are not giving up on you!!! What a bloody stupid thing to say. As if the alternative is a doctor coming up and saying 'we are giving up on you'. Reassuring not. Stupid doctor ought to learn some bedside manners. Send her over here and I'll teach her a few with my bit of door.
I can imagine you are screaming inside and I can't say or do anything to ease that really.... but I'm going to say some stuff anyway. Cos I'm like that. Can't shut me up.
I am sending you all the positive vibes I can muster and will continue to do so and will continue to send you hugs and love and virtually hold your hand while you scream.
I will also keep on kicking that bastard Mr Crab so effing hard cos I hate him so much for what he does to my friends (and non friends too I suppose). I also hope you keep kicking him too.
Thank you for the birthday card. You are right. What more does one want? i was thinking, two out of three.... Would you swap cats or books for the cancer? hmm. a life without cats or books? there's a thought....
I have seen a picture of the pregnant tabby mummy cat today and hoping to get one of the kittens (P will only get it if I am well. I am debating what he means by 'well' ) If I do, I will send you pictures of kittens. They help on the bad days i find.
All the hugs to you my lovely crabby lady and I will never give up on you! There.
Little My xxx
Thank goodness you're home, it's been hard for all of us not knowing anything although LM bless her has done her best by telling us what little she could find out. It was of course far, far harder for you but it seems they're getting their act together & testing you ad infinitum. Good of the oncologist to say they're not giving up on you - she doesn't realise that a minor army of Mackers, Warpees et al would invade the Churchill with Vikings, ravens, Sleipnir and Odin himself if there were even the slightest hint of - can hardly bring myself to say it - giving up.
And, dear lady, YOU mustn't either. All of us understand about the fear, pain, misery, panic and general exhaustion and I doubt there's one of us who hasn't, even fleetingly, felt like throwing in that tired old towel. You know, don't you, that we all empathise? Not to mention - we love you to bits. Nuff said, I'm getting soppy. One of the drawbacks of ageing. Which you WILL do, disgracefully, wearing purple.
With much hove and many lugs,
Just had to come and give you hugs, spoons, and much love. You are going through so much, and I did a lot of silent screaming in the bath when I was going from crisis to crisis...didn't want to upset anybody more than they already were. But this is the place to give vent to all those thoughts like hoping that you can close your eyes and when you open them again that you are free from pain, or just letting go, because we understand.
When all this is over you will look back and be surprised at what you have come through. Hope you start to feel more comfortable soon, and love to Judy too.
Snuggle under the duvet...you're not missing much outside
Dear Hilary, You are really going through some shit and ofcourse you are screaming inside I know I would be too if i were on your path. The way the professiional onc said they weren't giving up on you is an indication that the fight is still on, they've got other cards up their sleeve and I do hope they at last have got their act together and keep communications tight.
At least finding yourself in hospital allbeit unexpectadely you have been scanned and monitored and discussed by the team and everything is on the ball so get ready for a kicking for the final Mr. Crab.
Huge hugs and much love
Buggerations and pissflaps.
And I don't blame you feeling depressed and 'why bother', because it IS a frigging pain in the arse, frustrating and painful and shitty and purely debilitating, but you WILL kick Mr Crabby's arse and we are here every step of the way with you, and because we know how it is, we can REALLY hold your hand.
We love you lots and hope you're through it all as soon as possible.
Sending you love & hugs, Hilary xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
BIG HUGS :( keep fighting angel, you are strong xxxx
Holding your hand tightly and sending you huge hugs, don't you dare give up Hils, DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!!
Love Ruby xxxxxxxx
Sending you lots of love and hugs and spoons Hils xxxxx
Dear Hilary ...... sending you even more hugs, spoons and a load of strength to keep kicking that Mr. Crabby out !
Love and hugs, Joycee xxx
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