Crikey?! It is nearly December.
I am almost at the end of 6 months of intensive treatment. Twelve weeks of harsh chemotherapy and four weeks of chemo-radiation.
2015 has definitely proved to my well our annus horribilis. This time last year I was looking forward to Christmas as I always do...I adore Christmas. This year is different. This year it is almost an afterthought. I am struggling to get excited as there is no guarantee there will be another one. I hope there will be but there is that little nagging thought that says 'yes but what if'.
That puts untold pressure on you to wring every last drop of joy out of it for fear of missing a bit. I have learnt however that this almost always guarantees that almost everything will not go to plan. So instead we are carrying on with the usual present and food shopping without placing too much pressure on ourselves. It will be quiet but spent with those we love and enjoy spending time with. We won't have huge amounts of space due to the house sale being held up but we will have Christmas, a relaxed no pressure Christmas. A practice run for Christmas 2016 which will be that much better!
In the vein of being 'normal' about Christmas we took the children to see Santa this weekend just gone. They enjoyed it, I think older master T might be on the edge of not believing but little Miss H definitely does. They built a little something in the elves workshop and had a chat with Santa. They were told they had a special Christmas wish that they could make, they could ask for anything they wanted. When we got home Little Miss H told me she had made a special wish, she had wished for something for me, something I would be very happy about. She won't tell me in case it doesn't come true. I believe she wished for me to get better. I really do wish Christmas magic were real. I was very proud of her though to spend her wish on me. It made me well up.
I have been struggling emotionally lately and the bad thoughts have been creeping back in, the you are dying thoughts, the you won't make it thoughts and the awful you won't see your children grow up thoughts. It is this time of year I think. Christmas is fine as long as all is well in your world. There are so many people for whom Christmas is a very hard time of year.
Radiotherapy is almost finished, it has been hard. The side effects are not pleasant but hopefully over the next month or so they will begin to diminish. The fatigue I think I can cope with but the burnt skin and sore bowels I cannot bear much longer. Just when I was feeling at my most sorry for myself though Little Miss H chucked me another curveball. For a while we have been unsure how much of what is happening she actually really understands. I now know. Mr H went out on Wednesday for a bit of a break and she got into bed with me. We were watching a TV programme where a man's wife died. Little Miss H asked why he was sad, I explained he has lost his wife. She said can he have a new one? I said yes but it hurts when you lose someone you love. She started to sob. She said I don't want you to die mummy. I said I will do my best not to. Soon jolted me out of feeling sorry for myself. I will accept all of the side effects if it means I can stay with my family. I am doing this for them. Yes, I am doing this for myself as well but that is because I want to be with them. I will be with them for as long as I can physically cope with the side effects of treatment.
Now. If I had one wish Santa. It would be to see my children grow up. Please?
xxx
