Good evening,
Following a brief hospital stay last night I am in my own bed watching a program called 'The making of you', it has made me reflective. It is talking about gene mutations that happened in the womb when we were created. I wonder, did something that happen in the womb make it more likely I would get cancer? What if it did? What could that mean for future medicine? Could it have been changed?
It also naturally makes me emotional as I think on our children. The pull of love you feel for that baby is present before they are even born. I wonder if something that I did might affect my children later in life? Watching anything to do with children is loaded with emotion for me, it always has been but it is rawer now, deeper. I love them fiercely and I hope that that love will push me into that elusive 7%.
I have been suffering with a UTI unfortunately, I think I had it before I went to Worcester but I put off doing anything about it. That decision is now coming home to roost. It is proving resistant to the usual antibiotics. Bugger. Consequently I missed my first tutorial for my new course. To say I was peeved is mild. For the first time in a while I got really bloody angry. Angry at this bloody body squatter. It constantly finds ways to make it's presence felt. Especially after a period of time when I have been happy.
I was sitting in my hospital bed moaning on Facebook (a great platform for sounding off on) my friends responses however made me cry. I cried discreetly. Didn't want too much attention being on a ward. Didn't want to explain that I was crying because I missed a tutorial. Time was I would have been chuffed at a sick day. Not now. I am tired of not feeling 100%, I have not felt 100% for almost two years, I am beginning to wonder if I will ever feel well again.
Today I also had a catch up with Dr Oncologist. I strangely felt quite comfortable in the waiting room even though I knew he would have the results of the head scan. I felt calm unlike when I was getting the results for the bone scan. He confirmed what I felt in my 'bones' no cancer in my head currently. Whoop! It was a positive meeting, coming to the end of chemo, planning my final chemo scan in three weeks time and talking about my radiotherapy. I like Dr Oncologist, he feels like a friend through this process, we all need people on our side when we travel this road.
I drove myself to the hospital yesterday evening in Bob. Meant I could just park him up in the car park and take myself in and not be reliant on a lift or a taxi when I was released again. You will probably laugh at this next admission...I felt happy. I felt less lonely knowing my little car was in the car park waiting for me to come out again, a little security blanket. A little part of home. Daft I know. Do cars have personalities? Bob certainly does. Yes I am an emotional dafty.
Thinking on it, I think that getting angry at the bladder beast, the bastard, helps fuel my determination that it will not win. It made me sad but that didn't matter because my clever brain made me think of something happy again. The brain is a magical thing, the power of positive thought is definitely magical. How we choose to approach things affects the outcome.
I won't hand the power over to the beast. I hold it firmly in my grasp and I will keep finding things that make me happy.
This week for instance...Master T is 11!! and I chuck myself down a huge zipwire over the river Tyne for charity and we have a house viewing.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it bladder bastard.
