The Night Before...

5 minute read time.

Evening all,

Tonight is the night before.  The night before the scan.  The first full body tissue scan I have received since my diagnosis.  I am nervous.  I have had other scans but they have all either been local to the area the known cancer is or of my bones.  To date I have had no scan of my bodily tissues.  Clearly this has implications and I am afraid that they will pick the cancer up in one of my vital organs.  In my head this is not good.  Well that's not true, I know it is not good, all the people that I know that are in the end stages of their disease have a tumour in a vital organ.  It tips the balance of the body in the cancers favour.  The body cannot fight the cancer while a vital organ is comprised surely?.  A slippery slope?  I may be wrong but I am afraid.  I won't find out the results until this coming Monday so got the whole weekend to stew on it.  Shrink you bastard shrink.

Somehow I need to not focus on the potential negatives, it is hard though, every scan I have had to date has bought bad news.  I have also been stressing about eating sugar, not following certain diets and taking certain supplements.  I am worried that if the scan shows the cancer has spread or not shrunk that it will be my fault for not following all the advice I have been given by various well wishers.  Will it be my fault that my children are deprived of me purely because I could not resist some chocolate?  The sensible side of me tells me not to be silly.  The doctors have reassured me that other than following a healthy diet which we should all do, no amount of supplements or diets will help or make any difference to my cancer.  Despite being someone who has always placed their total trust and faith in medical science I do wonder...what if? Shrink you bastard shrink.

The last few days have been hard, I have tried to go post chemo without steroids and have found that actually they do appear to make quite a difference to my ability to cope on a day to day basis with all that being a mum consists of.  Consequently I have spent the last three days pretty much laid up in bed with really bad 'jelly legs' or to use it's technical term fatigue feeling quite inadequate as A has had to cope pretty much on his own.  Having said that the twins have learnt that though I am in bed I am not off limits so they just come and tuck themselves under the duvet with me, play around the bed or if I am really lucky choose to use me as a trampoline.  The bad weather also decided that it would put in an appearance over the past three days too so we are all tired and well overdue some outside time.  It is bad enough amusing four children indoors for three days without adding in a severe lack of energy or the ability to think clearly (chemo brain).  Come on sun....oh and legs.....oh and brain...we really didn't moan that it was too hot.

Recently I found myself thinking during one of the quiet moments about the cancer, I was having a bath, when it suddenly dawned on me that one day I won't be able to sit in the bath and enjoy a private soak to get some hard earned mummy time.  One day someone is going to have to bath me, wash my hair for me and wash my body.  I found myself wondering would I want to maintain some dignity and wear a swim suit or would I eventually not care as long as I am clean?  Is there a point where any dignity is a given loss?  I hope not.  I hope that A will be able to care for me for the intimate moments as much as possible.  But is that fair for him either?  Hard one.

This also prompted me to think about my ageing body.  This time last year I was embarrassed about my twin pregnancy ravaged body.  My middle age spread.  Well okay, my cake spread.  I have found that having cancer has helped me accept my body for what it is, I am only sad now that it is ailing not what is looks like.  I was also quite vainly worried about my impending fortieth birthday in two years time.  Now I would happily live in this skin for another forty years if my body were kind enough to fight off the Bastard, I don't worry quite so much now how others perceive my body.  My poor body is puffy and bloated from the steroids and the treatment it is receiving but I love it, shame it took cancer to show me that.  I want it to succeed in it's fight as I am realistic to know that it is down to my genes and my immune system's ability to fight this horrible disease.  Given that I feel this way I really should start looking after it more.  I have now joined a gym and whilst I won't be lifting any weights any day soon I will be swimming once a week and improving my diet, cutting the chocolate and eating more fruit and veg.  Hopefully my system being healthier will improve my body's chances of fighting.

Tonight older master T and I are having a movie night, I cannot remember the last time he slept in my bed, it has to be a good few years perhaps as many as five years ago when I was pregnant with his sister and he used to keep me company when A stayed away with work as he did at the time.  He is very excited.  He can pick the film, stay up late and I bought him some popcorn.  Being a pre teen he spend most of his spare time on xbox so it is nice to spend time with him.

Memory making in progress.  It will have shrunk.  It has to have.  Not shrinking is not an option.

Speak soon.

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Wow. You have already had a journey, one I am at the station for but don't know what route I'm taking. I just hope I can be like you. Love the shrink you bastard!!! Good luck xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    It has been quite a ride so far, many downs but a good few ups too. I have my fingers crossed for you that you will be able to take a different route to me, we all are much stronger than we think we are.

    The mantra has been there since the beginning and it really helps me visualise and will it to shrink! I own my cancer, it does not own me ;)

    All the very best for your journey

    xxx