Hi all,
It is one am here. I am still up. I often am at this time of day. It is the quiet times that get me.
I am struggling to process this mentally. I know there are cancer patients like me who have and are able to go forward with great positivity and know that they are fighting this disease all the way. I want to be like that I really do. But I am struggling.
I have no real hope to cling to. Obviously I have my family but that is different. I think I need something about this disease to hope for. The statistics for me are rubbish. The outlook is poor. I Google information til my fingers ache. Silly I know. Dr Google is not your friend, take it from me. I am ultimately scared. Scared of dying. And that I cannot surmount. I cannot accept it.
We have had a busy few days, my dad came to see me, first time since we told him the news. It was sad, he hugged me tightly and I cried (again). I need shares in tissue companies. The children have been full on all weekend too. One of the twins was sickly and the other is in pain with his teeth on and off. I can't imagine not being there to comfort my children when they are poorly. That's what a mummy is for surely?
My friends are trying to keep me buoyant, keep me going. I had to retreat for a couple of days from the world while I hit rock bottom mentally. Everyone wants me to have counselling. I am not sure what it will achieve to be honest.
I have been to some dark places over the last couple of days, I am sure I am not the first or the last.
My body and brain are fighting against this diagnosis constantly, they will not allow me to accept it. I get no peace mentally.
Our bed is now downstairs, A wanted to do it as it would be nicer for me when I am feeling ill after chemo but I feel like an invalid despite feeling the best I felt for a while due to getting an extra week off the chemo as my white blood cell count was low last week. I know it makes sense though, it is a nice room on the plus side but it also means it is the first time I am not sleeping next to the boys properly since they were born almost 2 years ago. Just when I really don't want to let them go.
I have been able to participate in the family and do things again whilst feeling better and have been eating more normally. I have relished doing normal things, washing, drying, sorting, cleaning and tidying. It felt good. I think that is why I am struggling so much, my purpose before this was wife and mother but I cannot be that at the moment as I have felt so ill. I desperately, desperately want that back, to be that hub of the wheel that my family spins around.
A wonderful charity have agreed to arrange for me to have second opinion from a highly qualified specialist in bladder cancer. I think I need to do this. I need to be certain although I fairly sure the chances of my current team being wrong are very slim. I still need to do it, just means travelling to London, I hope I will be able to manage that. The charity was set up in the wake of the tragic loss of the Chairman's wife to triple negative breast cancer. She was also a young mother with young children and should have had her whole life ahead of her with her beautiful family. I totally feel for him and am so very grateful to be benefiting from their work.
I hate cancer with a real vengeance. I want my body to fight and eject this Bastard. I want my body to be one of the ones that fights into remission. I want that so badly.
The calendar is filling up though so there are things to do, things to look forward to, I just hope I feel well enough to do them.
Take care, speak soon x
