I wasn't going to blog today. I was going to wait until tomorrow.
I had a bad night last night. I reacted to the morphine, it made me feel oh so sick. Very sick.
Our friends had taken the children off our hands for a few hours so we could go out by ourselves. We chose to go for a walk along the river. We talked how we look like a normal couple enjoying a walk, we talked about how you never really know what a person is carrying about inside them. I was learning already but now I know you must never judge a book by it's cover. We also talked about fate and karma. A said he doesn't really believe in karma but if it exists he is struggling to thin of a time that either of us have ever done anything remotely bad to another to deserve this. Me? I am a fatalist, I believe in fate. I said what if this is it? What if this is my allotted time coming to an end. What if this is the beginning of the end? A said I can't answer that question. But...
I also said what if I am meant to go through this to help others? What if I am meant to endure this so I know what it is like? There will be others, they will need help. Help I could give.
Today I needed to collect my new drugs (hopefully less side effects). Our local pharmacy is in a big supermarket. The lady yesterday was so kind. Kindness makes me well up. I cried signing my prescription as exemption due to illness. I came back today to collect the drugs. I also bought cookies because hey cancer is shit so cookies will help?
As I walked back through the supermarket I took note of every one milling around carrying on everyday normal tasks. I had an overwhelming urge to stand still and shout out 'I HAVE CANCER'. Make them stop, make them take note. Maybe their world for a moment will stand as still as mine? Very selfish of me though I know. Why should anyone else stop their life to take note of me? I am not unique, there are others. There are others worse off. I have a chance. Some don't.
I arrived back at the house just as our faithful postie arrived with an arm full of parcels. Each of them for me.
I opened them and found many beautiful, thoughtful things for me, things to wear in hospital, things to do in hospital, to while away the hours while the drugs pump into me. A beautiful plant. Chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate, can a girl ever have too much chocolate? I think not.
It made me smile, it made me well up. They have made it right. My friends have made it right and today the Internet wins
