Just started Chemo, hopefully to buy a bit of time with my kids.

Buying Time
------------

Is this it?
The big T?
The fight slowed down to
Buying time.

Is this it?
Just more time for family?
More time to explore
Who you are?

Is this it?
Keeping things normal
As far we we can make
Things last.

Is this it?
Or can we create
Some legacy
Out of the time remaining?

Is this it?
Or is it the memories
that we leave behind.

Some thoughts when I heard the words "palliative treatment" and "palliative care team" after I got spinal mets -

Palliative care

The start of the end?
No more hope?
The end of the pretend.
Just guidance to the finishing line.

Some honesty and kindness.
The nicest of the nurses,
And support in all things I didn’t realise I needed.

Honesty with myself, with others.
An outpouring of kindness from friends, recently informed.

A time to consider, review, accept, celebrate?
A time to enjoy, all that I have.
A time to push forward, continue, build, for me, for my family.
Not a time to give up, but for realism, and difficult decisions.

Another poemy thing. A bit negative I'm afraid.

-----------

This thing within me,
Lurking, silent, hidden;
Waiting, undetectably.

This thing within me,
Growing, spreading, changing;
Revealing itself, unexpectedly.

This thing within me,
Cut out, removed, analysed;
Weakened, temporarily.

This thing within me,
Lurking again, hidden;
Waiting, as we wait fearfully. 

It's now 20 years since I was diagnosed with Malignant Melanoma. I went to my GP after my partner pointed out a changing mole on my shoulder, and was referred quickly to the pigmented lesion clinic. The suspect mole was removed, and two weeks later I found out it was Melanoma. I was 25.

Luckily it was a thin one, so I just needed further surgery to remove more skin, and follow-up appointments for three years.  I got on with life, had a good career, did some travel, married my partner, and two great kids. No one told me it could come back 16 years later.

16 years later I noticed a lump at the back of my neck. Another quick appointment at my GPs, and was slightly shocked to find myself referred to the Melanoma clinic. A needle biopsy was taken, and I went back with my husband a week later for the results. Melanoma.

More surgery followed, to remove the lump and some nearby lymph nodes. I kind of expected Chemo or Radiotherapy - isn't that what you get with cancer? But it turned out that it doesn't really work for Melanoma. It is just watch and wait.

After the usual period of fear and anxiety, I get on with life again. Kids grow up a bit, learn to read, swim, ride their bikes, and BOTH get Blue Peter badges (without even playing the "C" card).

Then it's back again, and more surgery... and again... and again - most recently on my sternum. I get a third of my sternum removed and reconstructed. And now it's 20 years on from diagnosis, and I've had and have a great life. I'll be lucky to have more than another few years, but it has taught me that you really have to get on with and make the most of life, even if you have that fear always in the background. No waiting for proper remission - grasp the life you have.

Alison

I was wondering what CD to take for my MRI scan, and chose Melissa Etheridge. Here's the lyrics of her best cancer surviver song, in case anyone hasn't heard it. The music is great too.

I Run for Life (Melissa Etheridge)

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

[Chorus:]
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me, my friend
I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To awake when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

[Chorus:]
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for life

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister, your daughter, your wife
For you and me my friend
I run for life
Ohohohoh

I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for life