settling in

1 minute read time.

Depression is starting to rer its ugly head in a noticable way.  I find I'm quite detached from the family in general, despite being with them 24/7.  Everything irritates me.  I don't want to go anywhere or get anything done.  I'm eating like I don't know what.  I want to cry but I feel like I'm too numb/exasperated to cry.  More like I want to scream my lungs out, then go hide under a rock for the next millenia.  I hate to admit it, but sometimes I have the very real desire to bite people. WTF?  Must be an anxiety thing, right?  I'm totally NOT a violent person.  Guess a trip to the GP is in order.

Have to go over to John's brother's house for al fresco dining this afternoon.  I am so unhappy about it.  Firstly, the way I feel in general, secondly bro's wife has been saying horrible things to parents about them looking after the kids while I take John to chemo or radiotherapy or other appointments.  Really giving it the big one - so much so that John's mom comes to me all upset over it.  I could bitch slap her, but instead I have to go hang out at her house for a few hours listening to them talk rubbish and eye us up.  I could just ggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr in her face.  :(   !!!!!!!

Bedtime cannot come soon enough!

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    So sorry to hear of your John's condition.  My husband has lung cancer.  During the three months of his treatment both of us were in a state of shock.  This shock has now affected us both in different ways.  Although we both stopped smoking when we found out, this of course made us put on a considerable amount of weight.  I was trying to feed my husband plenty of food to help him recover from the radium and chemo.  We are now both overweight.  However as far as our mental state is concerned, it is very difficult for both of us.  My husband is trying to be as normal as possible for my sake and I am trying also to be as normal as possible for his sake.  The strain is immense.  When I am alone I break my heart.  Even typing this I am heart broken.  I can't let my family see how I really feel.  I am continually acting the part of the brave wife and mother, but underneath I am terified.  Like you I am continually hungry.  They say that during exteme stress the body stores food incase the situation worsens.  I personally think it also makes us eat more.  I know exactly how you feel.  I do hope that things get better for you both.  Definitely go to your own Doctor for help.  Maybe some counselling would help.  I am thinking of you both.

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Thank you, bluefusia, for your comment and your support.  I've an appointment with GP  on Thursday.  I reckon some counselling is probably in the cards somewhere.  Happy to hear we aren't the only ones who've become a cancer-induced chubbykins couple, haha.

    Like you, we do our level best to be normal as possible for everyone, including parents, each other, and the kids.  It builds up after a bit, then something really puny and unrelated ends up being the catalyst for a middle-of-the-night major meltdown.  So frustrating to have these things on board emotionally, when all I want to do is be the pillar of strength for the family and get everyone through it as unscathed as possible.

    Sending love for your kindness and support; as well as prayers for the peace and comfort of you both. - Eve