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My first blog dealing with this, but I just want to share my emotions as I'm not very good at talking about my loss and how I'm feeling with people.
Hello, I am Joe. I am 17 years old and was 16 when I lost my mum to cancer after her long battle. This is my first time ever writing about my experience and my relationship with my mum so I am a little nervous and may be quite upset whilst writing this. I feel I want to share my emotions as I’m not a very open person with dealing with my loss. I hope this can help me.
Me and my mum were so well connected as she was my best friend as well. I’ve always had a really special connection with her as I’ve spent my entire life laughing with her, talking with her and just being with her whilst she was looking after me. About two years ago was when she was diagnosed again with cancer and when I realised I needed to look after her. And to be honest it didn’t bother me in any way, I never rejected or moaned as I knew she’d been so amazing looking after me all these years. And in a way it made us even closer as I spent more time with her being my best friend. Every night for two years at 9:00 she’d be in bed, I would put an episode of Lost or Big Bang Theory or many more (we got through a lot of different series) and I’d rub her back for an hour or two. My mum would love it as it released so much stress from her, and I really just liked hanging out with her. In the day time I would sit with her as well. Later in to her illness she had a medical bed in the dining room for her as it would be trouble climbing the stairs, but I’d always be in there with her, or poking my head round the door to see how she was. We shared so many laughs and talked about so much, I’m surprised she never got annoyed by the amount of random shit I would talk about but we were so in tune that any conversation was a good one. I’ve never met anyone like that before.
Since she’s been gone, for 8 months I’ve spent most of my time alone in my bed, completely drained of motivation or anything positive. Whatever I think about always just ends up me reminiscing about my mum and me, or just feeling upset. She was such an important part of my life and now it feels like my life is half empty. I very often get bad pains in my heart and chest as well as it feels my heart is pounding and contracting. I do rely on my best friend my age to keep me company and happy, she’s been very good to me. And although i’m always apologising for being upset and having to come to her, she feels the way I did when looking after my mum, she’s always happy to do it.
Having a very close family helps a lot too, as me, my dad and my sister are very close, share a lot and do a lot of things together. My mum and dads sides of the family are all very close as well, so even though we’re all going through such a terrible time together, we’re all talking to each other and helping one another. A lot of people loved my mum. She’d do anything for anyone, always visiting them if they were in hospital, she’d cook buffets and cakes for them, and always organised events just to go out with them. She really touched us all so massively.
Now I’m not sure if anyones read this and I don’t mind, this was just a nice way for me to get things off my chest as I’m not a very open person when talking about my mum. I often try to not bother people and keep emotions to myself which I know is bad. I’m really just looking for advice though or someone professional to talk to as I feel a completely different person since my mum died, a person who is so unmotivated and unsociable. However thank you for reading this, I hope that I can help you in the future once I’ve helped myself. Shit things happen to good people.
Hugs to you. You have written that you feel different and the loss of your Mum at such a young age and you being so close too will have left you a massive gap in your life and difficulty in focusing and dealing with banal chat of those who haven't gone through the journey you have been on. You are grieving and you will do so for a long time and it is really normal to be the way you are. I am glad you have a good friend you can talk to and that your Dad and sister and other family are close to you. Try to take it slow and be patient, not only with others but also with yourself.
Im not gunna lie your story moved me to tears, You write from your heart and it shows. I am positive your mum would be so incredibly proud of you. Sadly life has been very cruel to you and your family but you have done something you should feel proud of, simply sharing your time with your mum was a beautiful thing to do making those memories and smiles is something many people on this site wish they could of done, My mum has Cancer and is in denial and always has been ever since we were told, we were a one parent family and of basic beginings nothing fancy in our lives and my mum worries she has achived anything of greatness in her life, But like your mum she has made greatness and a legacy and that is YOU, your braveness and kindness shines from you and she made you into the incredible young man that you have turned into. I know you would give anything to have her back and I have no doubt you ache for just a little more time and thing you wish you could of said, But I beleive she still looks over you and watches you. Dont be cruel to your self, allow yourself time to grieve and adjust sadly you will always grieve but it hurts a little bit less over time, Posting a message on this site is another step of recovery for you, I am pleased you have a friend to turn to for support its important you are not alone or feel alone.
You are her legacy on this world you are a piece of her and you live on.
Remember the smiles and laughter remember the pearls of wisdom she gave you, stand strong hold your head high and be proud of yourself, and please post again so we can see your journey.
With best wishes
I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your mum. It sounds as though you had a really close relationship and did a great job of supporting her. I hope that it helped a little bit to be able to share your feelings on your blog.
You mention that you'd like to be able to respond to the other members individually. There isn't a way to reply to them on this blog, other than by posting another comment, as you have done. However, you may be interested in joining and posting in our bereavement group - you can start a discussion thread or join in one of the existing discussions, which are a little bit more interactive than blogs.
You can also send private messages if you become friends with another member on the site. To send a friend request, click on a member's username to be taken to their profile, and then click 'add as friend'.
If you are in need of additional support, please do feel free to give our team a call, as Ethel mentioned. The number is freephone 0808 808 0000 (Mon-Fri, 9am-8pm).
Cruse Bereavement is another charity with really good support services, either over the phone or at their local centres.
I am so sorry to hear about your mum. Family does help but there are times as it sounds with you when you are just overcome with grief. My mum died 10 years ago and there are times when I could still cry. Over time the pain and heartache have become less. My father has terminal cancer and I am just so demotivated after seeing him. I am seeking professional help as I know if I dont it will just get worse. I cannot eat, sleep or concentrate on much at the moment and just feel like my world has fallen apart. I have lots of family who have been supportive but know I cannot burden them much longer with my emotions as it's wearing them down. When I am with dad I feel happy and complete. I have a partner and young child and feel terrible that I feel this way as they need me. Sometimes you need to take time out and let the feelings out. I hope through time that your pain becomes less and that you feel able to move forward. Life will not be the same but it will become easier.
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